The Antelope Canyon Half Marathon is this Saturday. I've done about 200 miles of training. I am ready. I plan to run about a third of the race and walk the rest, in intervals.
After this race, I'm retiring from racing. This isn't to say I won't run ever again, but I probably won't race again. Not unless something changes.
I'm starting a new drug soon, in addition to the maintenance dose of the disease modifying drug I'm on. (Disease modifying drugs are preventative; they don't improve anything, but hopefully they keep the disease from getting worse.) The new drug helps some people with gait symptoms, so my walking and running may improve. But there's no way to know if you will benefit from the drug until you try it.
I've had so much fun running, and I've learned so much about myself because of running. At first I learned that I was capable of more than I thought. I ran two marathons and a bunch of shorter races. I learned that if I trained hard, I would get faster. I learned that not taking care of your body means you'll probably get injured. There is so much running has taught me, I'd be a fool to think I could write it all down.
In the last two years, the lessons have been tougher. I've learned that sometimes, no matter how hard you work or how much you want something, you might not get it. I won't say it's okay, because it's not okay. It sucks. But I'm making peace with it, and I think I'm a better person for having been through this.
I don't regret anything. Sometimes as a runner I was a little obsessive about time and miles. But later, when I couldn't go fast or far anymore, I was so glad that I'd indulged my athletic dreams and compulsions when I had the chance.
You never know how long you have to do something you want to do. Do it now.
I'll still run when I can, because I love the feeling of running. And when I can't, I'll do other things, like reading, knitting, playing music, and learning languages - stuff I already do anyway. I'll hang out with Maple more and bake cookies. I'll come cheer for you at your races.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for coming and reading my blog, and supporting my running journey. Your many kind words have made the journey sweeter.
You can find me on twitter at @seattleportia and on Instagram at @portia. See you around!
PS: If this new drug works, I reserve the right to change my mind about this whole retirement thing. ;)
15 February 2016
31 December 2015
No really, this time, I swear.
All this year I have repeated myself, each time thinking I was saying something new. I wrote the same blog post multiple times without realizing it until after I hit “publish.” I mourned my body's changes over and over again. I said I needed to accept it, but I couldn't. Then I said it again, surprising myself with the slow realization that I'd said it before.
Yes, I am about to do it again.
In broad strokes, here is the story of my 2015. I tried fighting MS. I tried an extreme diet that might have helped but I could not live with it. I tried mind over matter; believing that I didn’t have MS or that I could will it away. I tried meditating; I tried supplements, I tried medication. My MS got worse. Maybe I failed, or maybe it didn’t matter what I did because MS is a medical disease and not a spiritual condition, a choice, or an imaginary friend.
So I gave up, which is to say I accepted everything. This does not mean I lie in bed all day and eat ice cream. It means I am changing the story I tell myself. It means doing what I can, when I can. It means moving beyond the repetitive cycle of mourning and denying. It means celebrating unconventional victories.
One of my goals for 2015 was to run 10 miles without encountering the MS symptoms that affect my legs. It’s now December 31st and I can only run 3 miles if I don't take walking breaks. But I did figure out how to cover 8 miles; I run three-quarters of each mile and walk the rest, then repeat. I also learned how to change my stride in the later miles of a run so that I don’t trip and fall. These are victories, but only if I accept them as such.
I’m looking forward to 2016 because the practice of accepting has given me confidence. I’m not as scared as I was. I am not finished with the work of accepting, because things will continue to change, but now I know I can do it. Next year will not be about learning to cope with life; it will be about living.
Yes, I am about to do it again.
In broad strokes, here is the story of my 2015. I tried fighting MS. I tried an extreme diet that might have helped but I could not live with it. I tried mind over matter; believing that I didn’t have MS or that I could will it away. I tried meditating; I tried supplements, I tried medication. My MS got worse. Maybe I failed, or maybe it didn’t matter what I did because MS is a medical disease and not a spiritual condition, a choice, or an imaginary friend.
So I gave up, which is to say I accepted everything. This does not mean I lie in bed all day and eat ice cream. It means I am changing the story I tell myself. It means doing what I can, when I can. It means moving beyond the repetitive cycle of mourning and denying. It means celebrating unconventional victories.
One of my goals for 2015 was to run 10 miles without encountering the MS symptoms that affect my legs. It’s now December 31st and I can only run 3 miles if I don't take walking breaks. But I did figure out how to cover 8 miles; I run three-quarters of each mile and walk the rest, then repeat. I also learned how to change my stride in the later miles of a run so that I don’t trip and fall. These are victories, but only if I accept them as such.
I’m looking forward to 2016 because the practice of accepting has given me confidence. I’m not as scared as I was. I am not finished with the work of accepting, because things will continue to change, but now I know I can do it. Next year will not be about learning to cope with life; it will be about living.
07 December 2015
Antelope Canyon Training, Week 1
I don’t know what I’m doing. Mechanically, I know what I’m doing. I am running, sort of. I am on a training run and I am training for a half marathon. The race is in two months. I won’t be able to run all of it, but I hope I can run at least half of it.
I don’t want to let my thinking dictate or influence my reality. I think that’s possible, like “You are what you eat,” only “You are what you think.” I should say: I may not be able to run the whole thing. My thoughts push and pull between acceptance and inevitability, realism and hope. When you have a disease that people say is incurable, you have these conversations with yourself.
This is what I think during the last mile of every run: I really don’t want to fall. I feel like I am going to fall. I focus on picking up my feet.
Here’s how it is when I run. For the first mile or two, everything feels normal. A flash of hope that this run will be like running used to be, despite the widely accepted belief about my condition: that things only get worse, never better. But pretty soon, my legs get tired and uncoordinated. My feet slap down on the ground, gently at first, then with more gravity. Below the waist, things feel increasingly out of my control. My legs are not numb, but they are not my legs. Soon my toes hit the ground first instead of my heels. I start walking and running in intervals. I walk because I might trip if I keep running. I don’t like to fall. It feels like failing.
When I’m done with my run, I sit for a few minutes and when I get up, I walk like a toddler who is just getting used to being vertical. And then, in a few more minutes, my legs are mine again.
This week was my first week of training for the half marathon. I ran four times; three 3-mile runs (I ran all of these), and one 5-mile run during which I walked about three-quarters of a mile. I did the 3-milers on subsequent days; the first one was great, the second one was a little harder, and the third run on the third day was very slow but I managed to run the whole time. On the 5-miler, I walked a little bit at miles 2 and 3, then about half a mile up a hill. (Once I get tired I don’t try to run uphill because it rapidly increases how tired I get and therefore how far I can go.) It was a good week of training, even if it doesn’t look like the training I used to do.
I think I’m proud that I’m still running, but sometimes I feel foolish. I wonder if running is not meant for me anymore and if I should accept that more gracefully, but I value perseverance and positivity too. I’m not ready to stop running, but it’s difficult to take myself seriously as a runner now. Maybe this is what every aging runner encounters when she slows down. Maybe I shouldn’t give it so much power. I still want to run, so I do. That should be all that matters.
I don’t want to let my thinking dictate or influence my reality. I think that’s possible, like “You are what you eat,” only “You are what you think.” I should say: I may not be able to run the whole thing. My thoughts push and pull between acceptance and inevitability, realism and hope. When you have a disease that people say is incurable, you have these conversations with yourself.
This is what I think during the last mile of every run: I really don’t want to fall. I feel like I am going to fall. I focus on picking up my feet.
Here’s how it is when I run. For the first mile or two, everything feels normal. A flash of hope that this run will be like running used to be, despite the widely accepted belief about my condition: that things only get worse, never better. But pretty soon, my legs get tired and uncoordinated. My feet slap down on the ground, gently at first, then with more gravity. Below the waist, things feel increasingly out of my control. My legs are not numb, but they are not my legs. Soon my toes hit the ground first instead of my heels. I start walking and running in intervals. I walk because I might trip if I keep running. I don’t like to fall. It feels like failing.
When I’m done with my run, I sit for a few minutes and when I get up, I walk like a toddler who is just getting used to being vertical. And then, in a few more minutes, my legs are mine again.
This week was my first week of training for the half marathon. I ran four times; three 3-mile runs (I ran all of these), and one 5-mile run during which I walked about three-quarters of a mile. I did the 3-milers on subsequent days; the first one was great, the second one was a little harder, and the third run on the third day was very slow but I managed to run the whole time. On the 5-miler, I walked a little bit at miles 2 and 3, then about half a mile up a hill. (Once I get tired I don’t try to run uphill because it rapidly increases how tired I get and therefore how far I can go.) It was a good week of training, even if it doesn’t look like the training I used to do.
I think I’m proud that I’m still running, but sometimes I feel foolish. I wonder if running is not meant for me anymore and if I should accept that more gracefully, but I value perseverance and positivity too. I’m not ready to stop running, but it’s difficult to take myself seriously as a runner now. Maybe this is what every aging runner encounters when she slows down. Maybe I shouldn’t give it so much power. I still want to run, so I do. That should be all that matters.
20 August 2015
Birdcamp!
I just got home from Birdcamp! It was a lot of fun. I know there will be tons of detailed blog posts about it, so I'll just mention a few highlights:
I've been thinking of my running-related MS symptoms to be different from other "normal people" injuries. Like a good drama queen, I've been convinced that my situation is so much worse than a broken foot. But MS has a lot in common with typical running injuries. I am currently unable to run as far or as often as I want to. I am slower than I want to be. The future of my running career is uncertain. On the other hand, a big difference between having MS and a more traditional injury is that nothing hurts, which is a good thing. And I can't make it worse by running.
- I did an 8-mile long run (/walk) in beautiful Leavenworth, Washington. This is a pretty long run for me these days!
- I stayed with my wonderful roommates from last year, Kim and Ayesha. I am so lucky to have met these ladies last year and even luckier that we all wanted to room together again.
- We floated down the Wenatchee River, which was beautiful and relaxing.
- I took my phone swimming. It drowned. I lost all my pictures.
- I got to spend time with 99 amazing women who love running as much as I do.
- It was inspiring, satisfying, and extremely well-organized (ahem, Lesko).
- Meditation with Bree of Jasyoga was super satisfying, and it planted the seeds of my little Birdcamp revolution.
I could list 50 more cool things, but Birdcamp is way more than the sum of all these great moments. It is a magical place where dreams can grow without shame or fear. It's a place where you can pry yourself open and not be afraid of what you will find.
I loved the discussion we had about goal setting with Adrienne Langelier and Lauren Fleshman. I used to love setting running goals, but ever since my running has been affected by MS, I haven't wanted to set goals. I still can't run more than about 4 miles without breaks, and I've been stubbornly vacillating between hoping I can run again like I did a few years ago and considering quitting altogether.
I've been thinking of my running-related MS symptoms to be different from other "normal people" injuries. Like a good drama queen, I've been convinced that my situation is so much worse than a broken foot. But MS has a lot in common with typical running injuries. I am currently unable to run as far or as often as I want to. I am slower than I want to be. The future of my running career is uncertain. On the other hand, a big difference between having MS and a more traditional injury is that nothing hurts, which is a good thing. And I can't make it worse by running.
It seems like I should approach this like any other injured runner would. So here are the goals I set at Birdcamp.
1. Do what I can do
I will find a run/walk cadence that allows me to complete my February half marathon. At camp, I started experimenting. I ran 10 minutes and walked 1. That seemed totally doable until a giant hill kicked my ass. So I will keep experimenting until I figure this out, and at the same time, I will put together a reasonable training plan.
Maybe I won't recover from this injury, but let's consider the alternatives. I could quit running. Um, no. Not until I really can't run anymore. I could stubbornly keep trying to run as if I'm not injured, but that's not really an option. When my legs stop working, I physically can't keep running. It is better to focus on what I can do right now, today, this week, for the next few weeks, and adjust if necessary.
Maybe I won't recover from this injury, but let's consider the alternatives. I could quit running. Um, no. Not until I really can't run anymore. I could stubbornly keep trying to run as if I'm not injured, but that's not really an option. When my legs stop working, I physically can't keep running. It is better to focus on what I can do right now, today, this week, for the next few weeks, and adjust if necessary.
2. Stay positive and hopeful about the future
I often say (cause I'm a drama queen) that I have an "incurable, degenerative brain disease." You can see why I don't do well at parties. But I don't actually believe that it has to get worse, and most of the time, I believe it could get better. I'm not even always convinced it's "incurable." I believe that staying positive is a huge factor in health outcomes, so I will keep hope alive in my mind and in my heart. I will focus on what I can do, not what I can't.
At Birdcamp, I thought a lot about my relationship with running. Me and running, we've been at a standoff, standing petulantly with our arms crossed, refusing to look each other in the eye. I've been angry at my new limitations, and I believed by accepted them, I'd lose something. But now I can see that was wrong. There is no harm in accepting what *is*. If suddenly someday I recover from my "injury" and can run more or faster, that will be great. And even if not, accepting my self puts me on a better path.
At Birdcamp, I thought a lot about my relationship with running. Me and running, we've been at a standoff, standing petulantly with our arms crossed, refusing to look each other in the eye. I've been angry at my new limitations, and I believed by accepted them, I'd lose something. But now I can see that was wrong. There is no harm in accepting what *is*. If suddenly someday I recover from my "injury" and can run more or faster, that will be great. And even if not, accepting my self puts me on a better path.
This is why I love Oiselle and the Volée. It's so much more than a group of women who wear the same clothes. It's a safe place to find out who you are and what you're capable of. At Birdcamp, I stopped being angry about where I am with running. I realized that I have a massive opportunity to grow as a runner and as a person, and I should take it.
14 June 2015
Don't assume you know what progress looks like
Oh running, you are a fickle one.
Some of my recent runs have been amazing. I have done 4-milers which ended with me running (okay, jogging very slowly) up the 150' hill near my house. I couldn't do this a few months ago. I have done 3-milers that ended with me stumbling up the stairs to my front door, hoping the neighbors didn't think I was drunk. I even ran my first 10k race recently, which (to be fair) included a fair amount of walking, but it felt like a triumph anyway.
I'm still adjusting to being a marginally disabled runner. I say "marginally" because I don't look disabled at the beginning of a run, but sometimes I do at the end. Some days I feel pretty accepting of the whole thing, and sometimes I'm squarely in denial or bargaining mode. In my best moments I learn something from everything, and today on my run I saw a parallel between my intense desire to never be wrong, and my reticence to continue taking myself seriously as a runner.
Lately I hope that every run will be the magic run where I am like the Portia of two years ago who could just run forever. But I also know that it's unlikely, and in my more pathetic moments I think maybe I should just quit running while I still can, to preserve the memories of being a "normal runner," whatever the heck that is.
This morning, as I fished my running pack out of the back of the closet, I was planning for an 8-miler but at the back of my mind I knew that I might not be able to run 8 miles. I chased those thoughts away, prepped my water bladder and pitted some dates (a whole food gu alternative), leashed up the dog and got going.
Things were going swimmingly at first. It was a beautiful day and running felt easy. But around mile 4 I started feeling the dreaded lazy feet; it feels like I can't pick my feet up, even though the rest of me feels fine. If I keep running, eventually I start tripping over my own toes and even when I start walking, I look a little tipsy. Then, severely drunk.
Instead of getting frustrated, I slowed to a walk and ate some dates. And I started thinking. What's so bad about walking during a run anyway? Why does it feel like such a failure? And then I realized that the act of setting out on an 8-mile run and being unable to finish it makes me feel Wrong. I was Wrong. I cannot run 8 miles. Wrong.
Ever since I was a kid, I have hated being wrong. Being wrong fills me with shame, and to avoid this I constantly fill the air with caveats about how I might be, am probably, could easily be wrong. It feels better to presage every statement with an excuse about how wrong I might be, because that means I will be Right! "See? I told you before, I was probably going to be wrong!" So I get to be right either way. Most importantly, I don't look stupid (a.k.a. Wrong, a.k.a. shameful) in front of other people.
But.
When you avoid putting yourself in situations where you could be wrong, you might maybe miss out on trying something cool. You will avoid encounters with failure, and success. And everything else! Being chronically safe isn't very interesting.
So I'm there walking instead of running and I thought, "Who cares? It's a beautiful day. So I'm walking. So what. I was Wrong, and NO. ONE. CARES." I continued walking and jogging on and off for 7 miles. My mile splits went from 10:00 to 12:00 to 13:00 and then finally 17:00 for the last mile, which I mostly walked. But I did 7 miles, which is my longest run-like-thing since November.
Well.
Behind me is the familiar solid ground of caution, and in front of me is oh-my-god-I-have-no-idea. I have had this important realization with respect to running, which is great, but can I carry it over into the rest of my life? I think it could be quite awesome to live with the reckless possibility that I might occasionally be wrong. I could fail. If I could accept that, maybe I could try more things. See, I avoid trying stuff because it's possible that I could fail. Wrongness awaits. But... maybe... who cares?
Having an incurable degenerative brain disease is not awesome, but it's a fantastic teacher.
If you've read this far, you might want to check out these TED talks, which have no doubt influenced me recently:
Some of my recent runs have been amazing. I have done 4-milers which ended with me running (okay, jogging very slowly) up the 150' hill near my house. I couldn't do this a few months ago. I have done 3-milers that ended with me stumbling up the stairs to my front door, hoping the neighbors didn't think I was drunk. I even ran my first 10k race recently, which (to be fair) included a fair amount of walking, but it felt like a triumph anyway.
I'm still adjusting to being a marginally disabled runner. I say "marginally" because I don't look disabled at the beginning of a run, but sometimes I do at the end. Some days I feel pretty accepting of the whole thing, and sometimes I'm squarely in denial or bargaining mode. In my best moments I learn something from everything, and today on my run I saw a parallel between my intense desire to never be wrong, and my reticence to continue taking myself seriously as a runner.
Lately I hope that every run will be the magic run where I am like the Portia of two years ago who could just run forever. But I also know that it's unlikely, and in my more pathetic moments I think maybe I should just quit running while I still can, to preserve the memories of being a "normal runner," whatever the heck that is.
This morning, as I fished my running pack out of the back of the closet, I was planning for an 8-miler but at the back of my mind I knew that I might not be able to run 8 miles. I chased those thoughts away, prepped my water bladder and pitted some dates (a whole food gu alternative), leashed up the dog and got going.
Things were going swimmingly at first. It was a beautiful day and running felt easy. But around mile 4 I started feeling the dreaded lazy feet; it feels like I can't pick my feet up, even though the rest of me feels fine. If I keep running, eventually I start tripping over my own toes and even when I start walking, I look a little tipsy. Then, severely drunk.
Instead of getting frustrated, I slowed to a walk and ate some dates. And I started thinking. What's so bad about walking during a run anyway? Why does it feel like such a failure? And then I realized that the act of setting out on an 8-mile run and being unable to finish it makes me feel Wrong. I was Wrong. I cannot run 8 miles. Wrong.
Ever since I was a kid, I have hated being wrong. Being wrong fills me with shame, and to avoid this I constantly fill the air with caveats about how I might be, am probably, could easily be wrong. It feels better to presage every statement with an excuse about how wrong I might be, because that means I will be Right! "See? I told you before, I was probably going to be wrong!" So I get to be right either way. Most importantly, I don't look stupid (a.k.a. Wrong, a.k.a. shameful) in front of other people.
But.
When you avoid putting yourself in situations where you could be wrong, you might maybe miss out on trying something cool. You will avoid encounters with failure, and success. And everything else! Being chronically safe isn't very interesting.
So I'm there walking instead of running and I thought, "Who cares? It's a beautiful day. So I'm walking. So what. I was Wrong, and NO. ONE. CARES." I continued walking and jogging on and off for 7 miles. My mile splits went from 10:00 to 12:00 to 13:00 and then finally 17:00 for the last mile, which I mostly walked. But I did 7 miles, which is my longest run-like-thing since November.
Well.
Behind me is the familiar solid ground of caution, and in front of me is oh-my-god-I-have-no-idea. I have had this important realization with respect to running, which is great, but can I carry it over into the rest of my life? I think it could be quite awesome to live with the reckless possibility that I might occasionally be wrong. I could fail. If I could accept that, maybe I could try more things. See, I avoid trying stuff because it's possible that I could fail. Wrongness awaits. But... maybe... who cares?
Having an incurable degenerative brain disease is not awesome, but it's a fantastic teacher.
If you've read this far, you might want to check out these TED talks, which have no doubt influenced me recently:
03 May 2015
Progress: Four weeks on AIP
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." -Lao Tzu
Is that so cheesy? The quote thing? Oh well.
I've been doing the Autoimmune Protocol for 4 weeks. At first nothing changed; if anything, I felt a little worse and my running was even more affected by foot drop. It took a shitload of perseverance to keep eating meat and fish (and stinky stinky bone broth!) but I kept at it. If I quit, I would never know if the diet could have worked.
After about three weeks, my energy stabilized. In weeks 1 and 2 I had some great moments and some crashes, but the past two weeks have been amazing. I get up at 5 most days, I run 4 times a week, I work at a pretty (mentally) demanding job and I still have energy to hang with Sean and Maple when I get home. Sometimes I get a little tired around 9pm cause you know, I'm human.
So what have I been eating? Here's a typical day of eating from the past month:
I also take cod liver oil, probiotics, and a few other vitamins and supplements every day.
So is it working? Yes. This shit works. My energy is better, I'm less wobbly and shaky, and I realized the other day that a symptom I've had for NINE YEARS (vertigo when I lie on my right side - random, right?) has completely gone away.
What about running? It's getting better, slowly but surely. I've been trying to increase my long run length, and today I had a breakthrough run: 6 miles, with 5.5 miles before the dreaded foot drop. Feels like a miracle.
Is that so cheesy? The quote thing? Oh well.
I've been doing the Autoimmune Protocol for 4 weeks. At first nothing changed; if anything, I felt a little worse and my running was even more affected by foot drop. It took a shitload of perseverance to keep eating meat and fish (and stinky stinky bone broth!) but I kept at it. If I quit, I would never know if the diet could have worked.
After about three weeks, my energy stabilized. In weeks 1 and 2 I had some great moments and some crashes, but the past two weeks have been amazing. I get up at 5 most days, I run 4 times a week, I work at a pretty (mentally) demanding job and I still have energy to hang with Sean and Maple when I get home. Sometimes I get a little tired around 9pm cause you know, I'm human.
So what have I been eating? Here's a typical day of eating from the past month:
- Breakfast: Two chicken patties (made at home with ground pastured chicken thigh) sautéed in coconut oil, and a kale/blueberry/coconut milk/banana/spirulina smoothie.
- Midmorning snack: Banana
- Lunch: Giant salad (greens, carrots, beets with olive oil, salt, and apple cider vinegar). Sometimes some leftover roasted veggies from the night before.
- Afternoon Snack: Coconut butter out of the jar and a granny smith apple.
- Dinner: Salmon, collards, and a baked yam/sweet potato, or liver and onions with bok choy and basil, and roasted root vegetables and asparagus, or chicken curry soup (made with bone broth).
- Dessert: Strawberries and peaches.
I also take cod liver oil, probiotics, and a few other vitamins and supplements every day.
So is it working? Yes. This shit works. My energy is better, I'm less wobbly and shaky, and I realized the other day that a symptom I've had for NINE YEARS (vertigo when I lie on my right side - random, right?) has completely gone away.
What about running? It's getting better, slowly but surely. I've been trying to increase my long run length, and today I had a breakthrough run: 6 miles, with 5.5 miles before the dreaded foot drop. Feels like a miracle.
The Autoimmune Protocol is not only about eating. Here are some other things I'm doing:
I also saw a new neurologist and I'll be starting a very low dose of medication soon. She considers this a preventative, and I'm finally cool with it. It's funny; I have always wanted to heal myself with diet and lifestyle and not meds. And now I'm doing it - the diet and lifestyle part - and I realize I want meds too. Why not use every tool available?
So what's next? Since this diet is alternately boring and horrifying, and definitely limited in terms of how many things you can eat, I am already starting to reintroduce some foods, like white rice and chocolate. (Most people wait a few months or more to reintroduce foods, but I would rather do it a little early than fall completely off the wagon with Pop Tarts.) Lentils are my next reintroduction - Tuesday! I'm vegan at heart, and the sooner I can find some plant-based protein sources that agree with me, the better. Liver, salmon, and bone broth are superfoods and they are helping me right now, but I am hopeful that I won't need them forever. (If I do, I can live with it, but I'd be happier on a 100% plant-based diet.) I believe the most important things about my diet are being gluten-free, sugar-free*, and dairy-free. Those should be with me forever, but maybe the animal stuff can go eventually.
* A note about my version of sugar-free: I eat sugar in whole foods like fruit - not tons of it, but some fruit every day. I occasionally have maple syrup, dates, or coconut sugar.
I know this post is pretty long already but if you have any questions about the Autoimmune Protocol or anything else, ask away!
- I meditate, or indulge in "brain rest" (where you do absolutely nothing), or visualize some new age healing thing at least once a day.
- Sit-ups and push-ups a few times a week (this is more for bathing suit reasons than health reasons, but I figure it doesn't hurt).
- I make a serious effort to avoid stress. I have changed my outlook about things that threaten to disturb my peace. This sounds hard, but fundamentally it's just this: I decided I won't get stressed out. Sean taught me this years ago, that you can just decide. You just walk away from the old thing. It works most of the time, and when it doesn't, I immediately take a time out to calm my nerves.
- I also make a serious effort to think positive thoughts. Like "I am healing my MS with food!" and "I will run long distances again!" I even registered for a 25k race in early 2016. Cause I'm crazy. And hopeful. And positive!
- I'm doing this cool online Shakespeare course, which means I'm reading one play a week for 4 weeks. Last week was Romeo and Juliet; this week is A Midsummer Nights Dream. Using your brain is good for it.
- I've examined some nonphysical parts of my life that were unhealthy (ahem, money) and I decided to change some things. It's probably not as helpful to spend so much energy on my diet and continue to be unhealthy in other areas of my life.
- I encouraged Sean to retire from the bakery so he can be my personal chef. He's really (really) good at it, and yes, I know how lucky I am. So. Lucky.
I also saw a new neurologist and I'll be starting a very low dose of medication soon. She considers this a preventative, and I'm finally cool with it. It's funny; I have always wanted to heal myself with diet and lifestyle and not meds. And now I'm doing it - the diet and lifestyle part - and I realize I want meds too. Why not use every tool available?
So what's next? Since this diet is alternately boring and horrifying, and definitely limited in terms of how many things you can eat, I am already starting to reintroduce some foods, like white rice and chocolate. (Most people wait a few months or more to reintroduce foods, but I would rather do it a little early than fall completely off the wagon with Pop Tarts.) Lentils are my next reintroduction - Tuesday! I'm vegan at heart, and the sooner I can find some plant-based protein sources that agree with me, the better. Liver, salmon, and bone broth are superfoods and they are helping me right now, but I am hopeful that I won't need them forever. (If I do, I can live with it, but I'd be happier on a 100% plant-based diet.) I believe the most important things about my diet are being gluten-free, sugar-free*, and dairy-free. Those should be with me forever, but maybe the animal stuff can go eventually.
* A note about my version of sugar-free: I eat sugar in whole foods like fruit - not tons of it, but some fruit every day. I occasionally have maple syrup, dates, or coconut sugar.
I know this post is pretty long already but if you have any questions about the Autoimmune Protocol or anything else, ask away!
05 April 2015
And now for something completely different
I've been vegetarian for half of my life, and it's a really important part of who I am. I never thought I'd stop being vegetarian. But, I also have multiple sclerosis. For about 10 years it was pretty dormant but recently it's gotten worse. Not like "wheelchair" worse, but "messing with my life and getting hard to ignore" worse. I realize this sounds like a stupid complaint from someone with MS, but I'm also a runner, and I can't run more than about 4 miles these days. At this point, if someone told me that I could cure my disease by getting a giant "I love Ronald Reagan" tattoo on my forehead, I probably would.
A few months ago, I started reading a book called Healing Multiple Sclerosis. The author cured herself with a very restrictive diet with the goal of healing her gut. Apparently all autoimmune disease is either caused by or related to gut problems. I'd seen the book before and dismissed it as crazy. After all, MS is incurable. Who did this lady think she was, promoting a cure that was as simple as changing what you ate? Who wants to change what they eat anyway? Not this Pop Tart lover. Dumb.
But when my symptoms started getting worse, I bought the book and read it. I wasn't convinced this diet was going to cure me, but while reading the book, something unexpected and amazing happened. I started thinking that maybe my disease could be cured. It was a huge shift for someone who often joked about her "incurable degenerative brain disease" like it was the funniest thing ever.
On March 1, I started following the diet. I immediately felt better, despite the sugar and bread cravings. But after a couple of weeks on the very restrictive diet (my only source of protein was nuts and seeds), I started to feel weak and hungry all the time. I decided to eat some chicken. It was temporary, I rationalized. After a few months on the diet, you could add legumes, and if I could eat lentils and beans, I figured I could cut out chicken.
But something was bothering me about the Healing MS diet. The author prescribed certain foods and prohibited others, but didn't really explain why. This gnawed at me. Around this time I discovered two more books that promised, if not to cure MS, to at least reverse some of the symptoms and stop the progression of autoimmune disease in general. I inhaled The Wahls Protocol and The Paleo Approach.
As a vegetarian, I'd always thought this paleo stuff was crap, designed to make cross fit freaks feel better about their high cholesterol. But when I started hearing that paleo could have a major impact on autoimmune disease, I perked up. Maybe chicken was my gateway drug or something. But the cool thing about these two books - especially The Paleo Approach - was that the authors explained exactly why they were suggesting the foods in their diets. And it made sense. So I am trying it.
So what does my diet look like? I eat meat, fish, and vegetables. That's pretty much it. I eat lots of fat. I don't eat my beloved potatoes. No rice, no bread, no sugar. No packaged or processed foods. I eat some berries every day, and sometimes I have an apple. It tastes like candy to me now.
There have been some ugly moments since I've started making this transition. I've had some major energy crashes while my body tries to figure out how to fuel itself without the massive amount of carbs I used to eat. Sean has become a full time chef, which is pretty hard since he gets up for work at 4:30. I've sobbed like a stupid baby while choking down meat or fish that I never expected to eat again. I try to convince myself it tastes good and that it's good for me, but it's not quite working.
Do I feel better? I'm not sure yet. It hasn't been very long so I'm withholding judgment for now. I don't feel worse.
Vegetarianism is my religion. I feel strongly about not consuming animals, about not wasting the earth's precious resources to grow animal foods in the stupid ways we typically do (i.e., factory farms). I always thought it was healthier to eat vegetarian, and if I had never gotten this disease, I'm sure I would still feel that way. I acknowledge that this whole experiment might fail, and maybe I'll get worse instead of better. It wouldn't be all bad though, cause then I'd get to go back to eating the way I want to!
Not all the changes I've made are food related. I'm also running a lot less, which I like about as much as the bone broth that's currently simmering away on my stove. I hope the running diet is temporary, but it seems like the right thing to do right now. Healing requires that you take it a bit easy. You should still move, but you probably shouldn't train hard, because it will likely take energy away from the healing that your body needs to do. I've often said my health is my highest priority, but then I put running first, crossing my fingers and rationalizing that running is good for my health. But that hasn't been working so well.
I'm doing a lot of things that feel wrong in the short term, with the hope that they will help my health in the long term. Taken together, these are the some of the hardest things I've done in my life. I don't know if it's courageous and awesome or just a desperate pipe dream (or totally irrelevant!), but I'm doing it anyway.
I want to be healthy again. I want to run long distances again.
I'll keep you posted.
Edited: All the diets that I researched over the past few months are pretty similar. The main points are to eliminate refined sugar, gluten, dairy, soy, and legumes, which will help heal your gut and therefore (hopefully) reverse or stop your autoimmune disease. The Paleo Approach, or Autoimmune Protocol (a.k.a. "AIP," which is what I ended up deciding to do) is the most restrictive of them all, additionally disallowing nuts, grains, seeds and seed oils, eggs, and nightshades. But it does allow fruit, which the Healing MS diet does not. I'm using this cookbook heavily, and the food is actually great, despite all the limitations. Anyone who eats meat would love these recipes.
A few months ago, I started reading a book called Healing Multiple Sclerosis. The author cured herself with a very restrictive diet with the goal of healing her gut. Apparently all autoimmune disease is either caused by or related to gut problems. I'd seen the book before and dismissed it as crazy. After all, MS is incurable. Who did this lady think she was, promoting a cure that was as simple as changing what you ate? Who wants to change what they eat anyway? Not this Pop Tart lover. Dumb.
But when my symptoms started getting worse, I bought the book and read it. I wasn't convinced this diet was going to cure me, but while reading the book, something unexpected and amazing happened. I started thinking that maybe my disease could be cured. It was a huge shift for someone who often joked about her "incurable degenerative brain disease" like it was the funniest thing ever.
On March 1, I started following the diet. I immediately felt better, despite the sugar and bread cravings. But after a couple of weeks on the very restrictive diet (my only source of protein was nuts and seeds), I started to feel weak and hungry all the time. I decided to eat some chicken. It was temporary, I rationalized. After a few months on the diet, you could add legumes, and if I could eat lentils and beans, I figured I could cut out chicken.
But something was bothering me about the Healing MS diet. The author prescribed certain foods and prohibited others, but didn't really explain why. This gnawed at me. Around this time I discovered two more books that promised, if not to cure MS, to at least reverse some of the symptoms and stop the progression of autoimmune disease in general. I inhaled The Wahls Protocol and The Paleo Approach.
As a vegetarian, I'd always thought this paleo stuff was crap, designed to make cross fit freaks feel better about their high cholesterol. But when I started hearing that paleo could have a major impact on autoimmune disease, I perked up. Maybe chicken was my gateway drug or something. But the cool thing about these two books - especially The Paleo Approach - was that the authors explained exactly why they were suggesting the foods in their diets. And it made sense. So I am trying it.
So what does my diet look like? I eat meat, fish, and vegetables. That's pretty much it. I eat lots of fat. I don't eat my beloved potatoes. No rice, no bread, no sugar. No packaged or processed foods. I eat some berries every day, and sometimes I have an apple. It tastes like candy to me now.
There have been some ugly moments since I've started making this transition. I've had some major energy crashes while my body tries to figure out how to fuel itself without the massive amount of carbs I used to eat. Sean has become a full time chef, which is pretty hard since he gets up for work at 4:30. I've sobbed like a stupid baby while choking down meat or fish that I never expected to eat again. I try to convince myself it tastes good and that it's good for me, but it's not quite working.
Do I feel better? I'm not sure yet. It hasn't been very long so I'm withholding judgment for now. I don't feel worse.
Vegetarianism is my religion. I feel strongly about not consuming animals, about not wasting the earth's precious resources to grow animal foods in the stupid ways we typically do (i.e., factory farms). I always thought it was healthier to eat vegetarian, and if I had never gotten this disease, I'm sure I would still feel that way. I acknowledge that this whole experiment might fail, and maybe I'll get worse instead of better. It wouldn't be all bad though, cause then I'd get to go back to eating the way I want to!
Not all the changes I've made are food related. I'm also running a lot less, which I like about as much as the bone broth that's currently simmering away on my stove. I hope the running diet is temporary, but it seems like the right thing to do right now. Healing requires that you take it a bit easy. You should still move, but you probably shouldn't train hard, because it will likely take energy away from the healing that your body needs to do. I've often said my health is my highest priority, but then I put running first, crossing my fingers and rationalizing that running is good for my health. But that hasn't been working so well.
I'm doing a lot of things that feel wrong in the short term, with the hope that they will help my health in the long term. Taken together, these are the some of the hardest things I've done in my life. I don't know if it's courageous and awesome or just a desperate pipe dream (or totally irrelevant!), but I'm doing it anyway.
I want to be healthy again. I want to run long distances again.
I'll keep you posted.
Edited: All the diets that I researched over the past few months are pretty similar. The main points are to eliminate refined sugar, gluten, dairy, soy, and legumes, which will help heal your gut and therefore (hopefully) reverse or stop your autoimmune disease. The Paleo Approach, or Autoimmune Protocol (a.k.a. "AIP," which is what I ended up deciding to do) is the most restrictive of them all, additionally disallowing nuts, grains, seeds and seed oils, eggs, and nightshades. But it does allow fruit, which the Healing MS diet does not. I'm using this cookbook heavily, and the food is actually great, despite all the limitations. Anyone who eats meat would love these recipes.
25 January 2015
The January Report
This year has started off (wait for it...) with a bang. We went hiking! Maple is getting her craft on with sewing classes! Sean started his 50-miler training in earnest and his platypus feet are holding up nicely.
As for me, I am eating well and reading Hamlet. I'm running just a little; about 15 miles a week.
As of this morning, I still hadn't made any running goals for this year, mostly because my running gait has gotten a little worse, so it's hard to think about training. I can go out and run a few miles, but I haven't been able to run fast or long. This might be because I willingly took a break at the end of last year, and slowing my running momentum always brings on fatigue. It might also be because I've had an incurable degenerative brain disease for almost 11 years. Well whatever, I've been hoping that eating well and taking better care of myself would help. And maybe it is helping; my past two runs have been better.
On this morning's run, with the sun blasting through the northwest winter cloud cover (giving my face that ridiculous half-tan with the jagged line running down my cheek), I realized what my 2015 running goal should be. It may be a stupid goal because I probably don't have any control over it, but fuck it, I'm the CEO of me and I get to decide what my goals are! I want to run 10 miles without encountering "lazy feet." To do this I have to focus on getting healthier and not just running faster. I have no idea if it's possible, but it seems like a really worthy goal. And by the way, I actually believe I have some control over this. Some luck would help too.
To accomplish this goal, I think I need to do these things:
Related: The most rewarding thing that I've done in January so far is meditate every day. I didn't realize how freaked out and anxious I get about everything until I had to sit down with myself and not move or do anything for 15 minutes. Whoa. New Age Alert: I sit with my fear and anxiety and just breathe. When I get up from the mat, I am sort of inwardly holding hands with all the "negative" emotions and they don't really seem so bad. Sounds corny but that shit is a game-changer. You should try it.
Here are some of my best moments so far in January:
Until next time!
P.S. I still want to break 24:00 in a 5k. I just have to get healthy enough to train for it.
As for me, I am eating well and reading Hamlet. I'm running just a little; about 15 miles a week.
As of this morning, I still hadn't made any running goals for this year, mostly because my running gait has gotten a little worse, so it's hard to think about training. I can go out and run a few miles, but I haven't been able to run fast or long. This might be because I willingly took a break at the end of last year, and slowing my running momentum always brings on fatigue. It might also be because I've had an incurable degenerative brain disease for almost 11 years. Well whatever, I've been hoping that eating well and taking better care of myself would help. And maybe it is helping; my past two runs have been better.
On this morning's run, with the sun blasting through the northwest winter cloud cover (giving my face that ridiculous half-tan with the jagged line running down my cheek), I realized what my 2015 running goal should be. It may be a stupid goal because I probably don't have any control over it, but fuck it, I'm the CEO of me and I get to decide what my goals are! I want to run 10 miles without encountering "lazy feet." To do this I have to focus on getting healthier and not just running faster. I have no idea if it's possible, but it seems like a really worthy goal. And by the way, I actually believe I have some control over this. Some luck would help too.
To accomplish this goal, I think I need to do these things:
- Eat well (but maybe not as well as I did in January; that was annoying).
- Consider meds (blah, but probably a smart idea).
- Increase my long run length, s-l-o-w-l-y. Don't overdo it.
- Bathe in Vitamin D!
- Engage in more New Age. More on this below.
This month, I've been under more stress than usual, which definitely doesn't help things in the old brain department. I decided to become a manager at work, which is fun! I am now responsible for the professional well-being of other people. (!!) But since I am a new manager and don't know what the fuck I'm doing, it's a little stressful. But fun. Stressful fun. Is that a thing?
Related: The most rewarding thing that I've done in January so far is meditate every day. I didn't realize how freaked out and anxious I get about everything until I had to sit down with myself and not move or do anything for 15 minutes. Whoa. New Age Alert: I sit with my fear and anxiety and just breathe. When I get up from the mat, I am sort of inwardly holding hands with all the "negative" emotions and they don't really seem so bad. Sounds corny but that shit is a game-changer. You should try it.
Here are some of my best moments so far in January:
- One of my patent applications was issued! I played a tiny (microscopic) part in this work back at MathWorks, but I am still really proud of it.
- Maple made some cool shit in her sewing class and she absolutely loves it. We need to start saving for Parsons.
- Sean ran 30 miles last weekend, and Sean and Bailey ran 30 miles this weekend. They are a crazy pair.
- I woke up and realized (again! fuck!) that I am addicted to being negative. I'm trying again to turn shit around and it seems to be working. Since I believe in the whole mind-body connection crapshoot, I think being less negative (see what I did there?) will help my brain too.
Until next time!
P.S. I still want to break 24:00 in a 5k. I just have to get healthy enough to train for it.
31 December 2014
2014 Recap and 2015 Plans
2014 Recap
- I ran 12 5ks!
- I didn't run sub-24 except for one race that was way short.
- After 10 years with MS, it started affecting my ability to run.
- I started working with a coach and I love her!
- I focused a lot on running, but didn't spend enough time doing fun things with Maple.
- I got a new job. I love it!
2015 Plans
I find it overwhelming to plan for a whole year so I'm just making goals for January. The theme for this month is "Be Healthy," which for me means eating way better, helping my family eat better, and going to see various health professionals that I've been avoiding. Here are the (boring) details:
- 50/50 (half of every meal should be produce)
- No refined sugar or processed/packaged foods (except Larabars and Go Macro bars which I eat all the time)
- Drink only water (I did this for a while last year and it was awesome)
- Meditate every day (probably the hardest thing on this list)
- Bake with new (to me) healthy ingredients, like coconut sugar. It's in my pantry but I haven't used it. Lame.
- No eating out for dinner (will also save money!)
- Cook simple healthy food that doesn't take too long to make
- Help Maple pack healthier lunches
- Protein every night (beans/lentils/tofu)
- Go to the doctor / neurologist
- Start PT for glute issue (my ass is broken)
Here are some other themes I'm toying with for 2015:
Get inspired
Do you ever go to a museum or read a good book and feel amazing and inspired and realize with a sinking feeling that you've kind of lost yourself in the drudgery of everyday life? Recently I started to think maybe I could manufacture that feeling. I want to focus on that for some of the year.Have adventures (in Seattle or elsewhere)
After the first year of living in a new city, I tend to settle in to my patterns and neighborhoods and don't really venture out of them unless I have to. But I love Seattle and I want to see more of it. Also we have two trips planned in the first part of the year so we get to have adventures outside Seattle too.
Spend more time with Maple
Maple still likes to hang out with me, and I want to enjoy that while I can. We are going to brainstorm a list of things to do together.Use up (or give away) all my yarn
I've been lugging a box of yarn around since I went on a yarn-buying binge a few years ago, and I haven't used much of it. I want to use what I have and start fresh in 2016.Read Shakespeare
For someone with a name like Portia, I've read very little Shakespeare. I have started Hamlet about 50 times and never finished it. File under helpful: I live with a redneck Shakespeare scholar.Be interesting
Have you ever felt like you are getting boring? This year I felt like that. I have no idea how one becomes more interesting but it seems like it will be fun to try.Be graceful
I'm not talking about physical grace here, but I've been told that I'm not exactly graceful about accepting things, especially the bad stuff. This is going to be hard, but it seems like a really worthwhile goal. I have no idea where to start.Be a designer
I am already a designer, at least my job title says so. But I still feel more like an engineer. I've never had any formal design education. I have some ideas about how to be more "designery" and it will be fun to work on this.Be crafty
This is related to the theme about spending more time with Maple. She wants to be more crafty and I am basically phobic about glue and markers getting the house dirty. I need to get over my mild OCD and let my kid have some fun.Deal with your anger
Sometimes I am really angry for no apparent reason. What's up with that?Do nothing
I am completely unable to do nothing. Even when I am relaxing, I'm being productive by knitting or reading or writing or what-have-you. On the rare occasion that I just sit around watching TV (which is still doing something in a way), I feel like such a jerk. Doesn't seem healthy!Strangely, there is nothing on this list about running. I'm still thinking about my running goals for 2015, but I want to break 24 in the 5k. Yup, a carryover goal! I tried hard this year but it just didn't happen... yet! I also want to have more balance in my life, which probably means a little less running. More on this later.
What about you? What are you going to do differently (or keep doing) in 2015?
01 December 2014
No Excuses
It's almost the end of 2014 and I still have not run an official sub-24 5k. (I can't count my last 5k, since it was only like two miles long.) Yesterday I ran another 5k and finished 2nd in my small age group, but I did not run sub-24. In my defense, it was snowy and hilly. Well, the snow technically melted before the race, but it was hilly. Excuses, excuses. I felt good and ran hard, just not hard enough.
Do you ever make excuses? I do. A lot. I make excuses for not running hard enough (see above), for being negative, for not being nice to my family. The excuses I use most often are related to having MS. I feel tired or dizzy, so I act bitchy. I am overcome with worries about my health, so I am scared to try as hard as I could or run as fast as I could. Most people probably would say that having MS is a pretty good excuse. But it's still an excuse, and it holds me back.
An excuse isn't just a thing you tell yourself after the fact, to explain your lame behavior. It's also a thing you have in your mind when you decide to be lame. You think, "It's raining really hard, no one would fault me for cutting this run short," or, "They know I am sick, so they'll understand why I don't show up." An excuse is how you let yourself off the hook. My husband Sean says people "cut deals" with themselves to act a certain way. After 12 years I am starting to understand what he means.
This isn't to say that there are never legitimate reasons for things turning out differently than you'd planned. Shit happens. Only you know if you made an excuse.
What if, instead of using MS as the reason I act like a turd, I tried to be my best self despite having it? If I feel crappy, I can still try my hardest. I can still smile and be pleasant. I can still run my ass off.
Do you have excuses that are holding you back? What would happen if you stopped using them?
Do you ever make excuses? I do. A lot. I make excuses for not running hard enough (see above), for being negative, for not being nice to my family. The excuses I use most often are related to having MS. I feel tired or dizzy, so I act bitchy. I am overcome with worries about my health, so I am scared to try as hard as I could or run as fast as I could. Most people probably would say that having MS is a pretty good excuse. But it's still an excuse, and it holds me back.
An excuse isn't just a thing you tell yourself after the fact, to explain your lame behavior. It's also a thing you have in your mind when you decide to be lame. You think, "It's raining really hard, no one would fault me for cutting this run short," or, "They know I am sick, so they'll understand why I don't show up." An excuse is how you let yourself off the hook. My husband Sean says people "cut deals" with themselves to act a certain way. After 12 years I am starting to understand what he means.
This isn't to say that there are never legitimate reasons for things turning out differently than you'd planned. Shit happens. Only you know if you made an excuse.
What if, instead of using MS as the reason I act like a turd, I tried to be my best self despite having it? If I feel crappy, I can still try my hardest. I can still smile and be pleasant. I can still run my ass off.
Do you have excuses that are holding you back? What would happen if you stopped using them?
09 November 2014
November Update
Yesterday I ran under 24:00 in a 5k! 2014 Goal = Met! Lifetime PR! Faster as a master!
The good:
- I've worked pretty hard for the past two months since I started working with Coach Badass.
- Coach Badass has been truly amazing at giving me challenging workouts and listening to all my whining. This woman is just phenomenal and it would take a whole post to tell you why.
- I left it all out there on race day.
- My amazing teammate Jess ran beside me the whole way! It's so much easier to run a certain pace when someone is beside you the whole time. Also it's really helpful when they tell you to run faster when you start to fall apart. I am incredibly lucky that Jess was with me yesterday.
- I only fell apart form-wise during the last half mile but was still able to (sort of) maintain.
- Even with the course being mis-measured, I still ran a sub-24 effort.
- My whole pod (husband, daughter, dog) were there to cheer me on!
- There were Honey Buckets! My favorite of all portable sanitation ever.
The annoying:
- The course was 0.1 short, which, for people who care about their race times, is SOMEWHAT annoying. The 23:04 I ran is an amazing time, but sadly not very accurate. Why is it so difficult to measure the course accurately? It's only 3.1 miles! There are GPS watches! We have the technology! I will never understand this.
I still need to run two more 5k races in 2014 to make my goal of 12 this year. That will give me two more chances to run another sub-24 5k, this time on a USATF certified course that's actually 3.1 miles. It also has to be pancake flat, timed by a reputable company, have Honey Buckets at the start, and ideally give out vegan pizza and kombucha at the finish. If anyone knows of a local (Seattle) race that fits this description, let me know! I'll just be here holding my breath...
How are your races going? Anyone else chasing the 5k train?
20 September 2014
What It's Like to Have MS, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Incurable Degenerative Brain Disease
Soon after I was diagnosed with MS, I realized that people freak out when you tell them you have an incurable degenerative brain disease. People are afraid or tentative around me when they find out I have MS, and I get it. It's weird and scary and not sexy. I think maybe I could do a better job of describing what MS is and what it's like to live with it.
MS is completely different for everyone who has it, so my experience with MS isn't the same as anyone else's. But I'll tell you what I know anyway.
Maybe you wondering what the heck MS is. MS stands for Multiple Sclerosis, which means "many scars," which refers to the scars left behind in your brain or spinal cord after an MS relapse. MS is generally accepted to be an autoimmune disease where your immune system attacks your own tissue; specifically a tissue in your nervous system (which includes your brain) called myelin. Myelin is a fatty substance that coats your neurons. You can think of it like the plastic around electrical wires. The plastic prevents the wires from shorting out, and so the plastic makes the electrical stuff work right. But if the plastic gets eaten away (by your own immune system, how stupid is that), things stop working right. Depending on where the myelin is/was, you can have different kinds of symptoms.
My particular incarnation of MS is pretty mild. Obviously - I'm a runner so it can't be that bad, right? This isn't to say that I haven't had some fucking scary and horrible times with MS, just that I get to live a pretty normal life right now. I don't know if my MS is mild because of the way I eat/don't drink alcohol/exercise/meditate/think/whatever, or if I'm just lucky. Oh wait, I have an incurable degenerative brain disease. I'm not lucky.
There are four different types of MS. I have relapsing-remitting MS (RRMS). The other three types are primary progressive, secondary progressive, and progressive relapsing. If you're going to have MS, RRMS is the best kind because you have relapses (boo) and then remissions (yay!). During a relapse, shit goes wrong. During remission you might experience no symptoms, or you might have some that linger. You might fully recover from a relapse or maybe you mostly recover but not all the way. I usually recover to like 97.36% of my previous remission state. This means I still have some remnants of the relapses I've had, but they aren't too noticeable.
If you met me on the street, you wouldn't know I have MS. I don't look or move or talk differently than anyone else. This isn't the case for everyone with MS, and it might not always be the case for me.
I've had maybe 4 or 5 significant relapses in 10 years, and lots of smaller ones. Twice I was in the hospital for about a week; the rest of the relapses were manageable at home.
Here are some of the symptoms I've had. I'll tell you about the relapse part, which is when the symptom first appeared, and then I'll talk about any related symptoms I still have.
Vision
One morning in the fall of 2011... Well okay, it was not just any morning, it was the morning of Sean's first ultra. The Vermont 50. I woke up and felt weird, in a way that I still can't explain. I just knew something was wrong. It was also way too early, like 3:30am. I had been eating terribly and just being generally stupid about self-care. I was just waking up, sitting in bed, when all of a sudden, I lost half the vision in my right eye. Right before I was supposed to drive Sean to the start of the race, in the dark, on unfamiliar mountain roads. Fortunately it didn't get any worse and I was able to be a semi-normal person that day.
Vision loss in MS is usually due to Optic Neuritis, which is a fancy way to say that your optic nerve swells up. You know, cause your immune system attacked it. Optic Neuritis is very common in MS. In fact it's often the "presenting sign" of MS, which means it's the first thing you notice or the thing that causes you to be diagnosed with MS.
Speech
After Maple was born, I had a couple of terrible relapses. It was a really scary time. I had this new baby and I was working full time and then all of a sudden I was completely unable to care for myself. At one point I could not walk, talk, count to ten, or stop throwing up. Fortunately I am better now. I had issues with speaking clearly as well as with word-finding and stuttering, and I still have some of that. It annoys me because sometimes I have to concentrate more than I think is fair to make myself understood.
Let me tell you about the time I was drunk in Vegas. I was walking around with my newborn baby strapped to my chest. My balance was way off and my right arm didn't work at all. I was trying to talk to Sean but the words were totally incomprehensible and I sounded super inebriated. This nice (not) saleslady at the Lucky store made some disparaging remarks about me and mentioned calling Child Protective Services. The thing is, I wasn't drunk. I was relapsing! That was unfortunate. I felt bad.
Balance, Dizziness, and Vertigo
Once I had a relapse where I could not gain any sense of balance. If I tried to stand up, I fell against a wall. My eyes rolled back and forth in my head and I was so dizzy that I couldn't stop throwing up. Even with a newborn baby and an awesome husband, I kind of wanted to die. That was the worst. My balance isn't great now - sometimes I come close to veering into something if I'm trying to walk through a narrow space, and I can't stand on one leg with my eyes closed. Can you?
Movement
When I was first diagnosed with MS, I had unexplainable weakness in my right leg. That went away and never came back. Nowadays I don't notice much in terms of movement problems. When it's really cold, my fingers and toes get kind of slow, but doesn't that happen to everyone? Sometimes at the end of a 5k or long run I get what I affectionately refer to as "jelly legs." When it's really bad I look like one of the poor saps in those end-of-Ironman bonk videos. It just started happened a few months ago, but I think it's going away. Fingers crossed.
Memory
During one relapse I couldn't remember how to count to ten, and when I tried to say the alphabet I would get to H and say "H, I, JAI." I couldn't remember how to say J, and I couldn't get beyond that letter. That was weird. I could still sort of have a conversation and I seemed sort of normal but there were these weird holes in my memory.
Emotions
There's something called emotional lability, also known as emotional incontinence, which I like better. It basically means you cry all the time or laugh at inappropriate moments. I totally have this. Who knows if it's MS related, but I like to blame MS for everything.
Fatigue
When I'm in a relapse, I am excruciatingly tired. I sleep most of the time. And sometimes I have fatigue when I'm in remission. Fatigue isn't just being tired, it's more like I have to take a break from chewing my food because it's too hard. I can't lift my arms above my head. Fortunately this is not too common.
It's hard as I get older to discern between normal aging and MS symptoms. My vision is getting worse, but it's probably not MS related. I get tired when I'm training hard, but don't we all? I figure if I'm sitting around thinking about whether something is or isn't MS-related, I'm probably okay.
One of the worst things about having MS is the uncertainty of it. I never know what's going to happen or when, and how long a symptom is going to last. I don't know if I'll get to live the rest of my life with pretty mild MS, or if my MS will turn to Secondary Progressive like it does for lots of people with MS, maybe most. I am not on MS medication right now and of course I wonder if that's the stupidest thing ever. But being on those meds was no fun, and I seem to be doing fine.
But uncertainty is also one of the best things about MS. It encourages you to take care of yourself, to prioritize, to not put things off. I work full time, but most of the time I leave work at work. My family and my health come first, my running comes second, everything else comes after that. If I really want to do something, like PR in the 5k or go to Africa, I don't wait. I do it. No one knows what is going to happen in life, but uncertainty looms large in mine, and it's actually a good thing. I can't kid myself that nothing will ever change. I know better.
Sometimes I wonder why I got this disease. No one else in my family has it. Maybe I got too many Hep-B vaccinations, maybe it was those two rounds of Accutane, maybe it's because I never ate fish growing up or I lived in a cloudy place. I don't think I'll ever know for sure.
Autoimmune diseases suck, but they are also pretty fascinating. I mean, your body gets confused and decides to attack itself. Why does this happen? Is it related to environment? Genetics? Negative thoughts? Toxic window cleaning products? I could go into great depth about my new agey thoughts on this topic, about how autoimmune disease is related to capitalism and environmental destruction, but I'll spare you. See how nice I am? So nice.
Do you have any questions about MS? If you've read this far, probably not! But I'm happy to tell you anything. Ask away!
MS is completely different for everyone who has it, so my experience with MS isn't the same as anyone else's. But I'll tell you what I know anyway.
Maybe you wondering what the heck MS is. MS stands for Multiple Sclerosis, which means "many scars," which refers to the scars left behind in your brain or spinal cord after an MS relapse. MS is generally accepted to be an autoimmune disease where your immune system attacks your own tissue; specifically a tissue in your nervous system (which includes your brain) called myelin. Myelin is a fatty substance that coats your neurons. You can think of it like the plastic around electrical wires. The plastic prevents the wires from shorting out, and so the plastic makes the electrical stuff work right. But if the plastic gets eaten away (by your own immune system, how stupid is that), things stop working right. Depending on where the myelin is/was, you can have different kinds of symptoms.
My particular incarnation of MS is pretty mild. Obviously - I'm a runner so it can't be that bad, right? This isn't to say that I haven't had some fucking scary and horrible times with MS, just that I get to live a pretty normal life right now. I don't know if my MS is mild because of the way I eat/don't drink alcohol/exercise/meditate/think/whatever, or if I'm just lucky. Oh wait, I have an incurable degenerative brain disease. I'm not lucky.
There are four different types of MS. I have relapsing-remitting MS (RRMS). The other three types are primary progressive, secondary progressive, and progressive relapsing. If you're going to have MS, RRMS is the best kind because you have relapses (boo) and then remissions (yay!). During a relapse, shit goes wrong. During remission you might experience no symptoms, or you might have some that linger. You might fully recover from a relapse or maybe you mostly recover but not all the way. I usually recover to like 97.36% of my previous remission state. This means I still have some remnants of the relapses I've had, but they aren't too noticeable.
If you met me on the street, you wouldn't know I have MS. I don't look or move or talk differently than anyone else. This isn't the case for everyone with MS, and it might not always be the case for me.
I've had maybe 4 or 5 significant relapses in 10 years, and lots of smaller ones. Twice I was in the hospital for about a week; the rest of the relapses were manageable at home.
Here are some of the symptoms I've had. I'll tell you about the relapse part, which is when the symptom first appeared, and then I'll talk about any related symptoms I still have.
Vision
One morning in the fall of 2011... Well okay, it was not just any morning, it was the morning of Sean's first ultra. The Vermont 50. I woke up and felt weird, in a way that I still can't explain. I just knew something was wrong. It was also way too early, like 3:30am. I had been eating terribly and just being generally stupid about self-care. I was just waking up, sitting in bed, when all of a sudden, I lost half the vision in my right eye. Right before I was supposed to drive Sean to the start of the race, in the dark, on unfamiliar mountain roads. Fortunately it didn't get any worse and I was able to be a semi-normal person that day.
Vision loss in MS is usually due to Optic Neuritis, which is a fancy way to say that your optic nerve swells up. You know, cause your immune system attacked it. Optic Neuritis is very common in MS. In fact it's often the "presenting sign" of MS, which means it's the first thing you notice or the thing that causes you to be diagnosed with MS.
Speech
After Maple was born, I had a couple of terrible relapses. It was a really scary time. I had this new baby and I was working full time and then all of a sudden I was completely unable to care for myself. At one point I could not walk, talk, count to ten, or stop throwing up. Fortunately I am better now. I had issues with speaking clearly as well as with word-finding and stuttering, and I still have some of that. It annoys me because sometimes I have to concentrate more than I think is fair to make myself understood.
Let me tell you about the time I was drunk in Vegas. I was walking around with my newborn baby strapped to my chest. My balance was way off and my right arm didn't work at all. I was trying to talk to Sean but the words were totally incomprehensible and I sounded super inebriated. This nice (not) saleslady at the Lucky store made some disparaging remarks about me and mentioned calling Child Protective Services. The thing is, I wasn't drunk. I was relapsing! That was unfortunate. I felt bad.
Balance, Dizziness, and Vertigo
Once I had a relapse where I could not gain any sense of balance. If I tried to stand up, I fell against a wall. My eyes rolled back and forth in my head and I was so dizzy that I couldn't stop throwing up. Even with a newborn baby and an awesome husband, I kind of wanted to die. That was the worst. My balance isn't great now - sometimes I come close to veering into something if I'm trying to walk through a narrow space, and I can't stand on one leg with my eyes closed. Can you?
Movement
When I was first diagnosed with MS, I had unexplainable weakness in my right leg. That went away and never came back. Nowadays I don't notice much in terms of movement problems. When it's really cold, my fingers and toes get kind of slow, but doesn't that happen to everyone? Sometimes at the end of a 5k or long run I get what I affectionately refer to as "jelly legs." When it's really bad I look like one of the poor saps in those end-of-Ironman bonk videos. It just started happened a few months ago, but I think it's going away. Fingers crossed.
Memory
During one relapse I couldn't remember how to count to ten, and when I tried to say the alphabet I would get to H and say "H, I, JAI." I couldn't remember how to say J, and I couldn't get beyond that letter. That was weird. I could still sort of have a conversation and I seemed sort of normal but there were these weird holes in my memory.
Emotions
There's something called emotional lability, also known as emotional incontinence, which I like better. It basically means you cry all the time or laugh at inappropriate moments. I totally have this. Who knows if it's MS related, but I like to blame MS for everything.
Fatigue
When I'm in a relapse, I am excruciatingly tired. I sleep most of the time. And sometimes I have fatigue when I'm in remission. Fatigue isn't just being tired, it's more like I have to take a break from chewing my food because it's too hard. I can't lift my arms above my head. Fortunately this is not too common.
It's hard as I get older to discern between normal aging and MS symptoms. My vision is getting worse, but it's probably not MS related. I get tired when I'm training hard, but don't we all? I figure if I'm sitting around thinking about whether something is or isn't MS-related, I'm probably okay.
One of the worst things about having MS is the uncertainty of it. I never know what's going to happen or when, and how long a symptom is going to last. I don't know if I'll get to live the rest of my life with pretty mild MS, or if my MS will turn to Secondary Progressive like it does for lots of people with MS, maybe most. I am not on MS medication right now and of course I wonder if that's the stupidest thing ever. But being on those meds was no fun, and I seem to be doing fine.
But uncertainty is also one of the best things about MS. It encourages you to take care of yourself, to prioritize, to not put things off. I work full time, but most of the time I leave work at work. My family and my health come first, my running comes second, everything else comes after that. If I really want to do something, like PR in the 5k or go to Africa, I don't wait. I do it. No one knows what is going to happen in life, but uncertainty looms large in mine, and it's actually a good thing. I can't kid myself that nothing will ever change. I know better.
Sometimes I wonder why I got this disease. No one else in my family has it. Maybe I got too many Hep-B vaccinations, maybe it was those two rounds of Accutane, maybe it's because I never ate fish growing up or I lived in a cloudy place. I don't think I'll ever know for sure.
Autoimmune diseases suck, but they are also pretty fascinating. I mean, your body gets confused and decides to attack itself. Why does this happen? Is it related to environment? Genetics? Negative thoughts? Toxic window cleaning products? I could go into great depth about my new agey thoughts on this topic, about how autoimmune disease is related to capitalism and environmental destruction, but I'll spare you. See how nice I am? So nice.
Do you have any questions about MS? If you've read this far, probably not! But I'm happy to tell you anything. Ask away!
07 September 2014
ANUSTART, Geek Love, and Monotonically Decreasing Functions
Apologies if you are not a die hard Arrested Development fan. In Season 4, Tobias gets a vanity plate to commemorate his "new start," but in typical Tobias fashion, the end result is a little, well, unexpected.
At any rate, I'm making all kinds of new starts.
My last day at my old job was this past Tuesday. I'm starting my new job tomorrow and I couldn't be more excited. No really, I couldn't be. I'm pretty unexcitable. But I am actually borderline effusive about this opportunity. I'm going back to ux design for geeks, which is my passion, professionally speaking. For the past year I experimented with doing ux design for a retail website. It was not for me. Making it easier for people to buy shit? Not my thing. Enabling nerds to blow shit up -- or cure cancer? Better.
But forget the boring work talk. Let's have some boring running talk!
I was in a bit of a running rut before Bird Camp. My goal of earning monotonically decreasing 5k times in 2014 was out the window as of May, when I ran a hillier race and failed to better my April time. Maybe the hills weren't to blame; I was also just tired. My half marathon in July was a bit of a nightmare because I struggled to control my legs after mile 7 or so. I wondered if my MS was taking me downhill. I was scared.
To combat MS-related fear, I like to pour tons of energy into self care. It takes my mind off being scared, and it's probably good for me. So I started eating better. A lot better. We're talking no caffeine or dairy, very low sugar and gluten, and a lot more fruits and vegetables. I felt more in control of things, and maybe a little less tired. Then Bird Camp happened I started feeling even better. I started playing guitar again and I kept eating well. I decided there was still time to run a 5k PR in 2014 if I focused.
Then I did something that was way out of my comfort zone. I asked for help. Specifically, I asked someone I respect and trust to coach me. It was definitely a reach -- she is in high demand in all sorts of ways, and she typically works with much faster people. But she said yes! Hanging out on a limb never felt so right.
Remember this if nothing else - if you want something, ask for it! Go after it! Crazy awesome things can happen if you put yourself out there.
I've just finished my first week of training with New Coach. I'm wearing a heart rate monitor for the first time, and I'm working harder than ever. I did two tough workouts this week: a tempo interval run, and 12x400 on the track. They were brutal but I've learned so much already. On Tempo Tuesday I underfueled and ran out of steam during my last segment. New Coach schooled me on how much I should be eating before a workout (way more), so on Thursday I was calorically ready for the track and I nailed it. I've never done 12x400 before and certainly not at that pace. My confidence soared.
My goals - to break 24:00 in the 5k this year and 23:00 in 2015 - are crystal clear. I'm focused and I feel great. Even better, I'm more excited about running and training than I have been all year.
My legs are still not 100%; they still get kind of jellylike towards the end of a 6+ mile run. But I am taking really good care of myself and working hard. I trust myself, I trust my coach, and I trust that these symptoms, like so many I've had before, will go away eventually.
At any rate, I'm making all kinds of new starts.
My last day at my old job was this past Tuesday. I'm starting my new job tomorrow and I couldn't be more excited. No really, I couldn't be. I'm pretty unexcitable. But I am actually borderline effusive about this opportunity. I'm going back to ux design for geeks, which is my passion, professionally speaking. For the past year I experimented with doing ux design for a retail website. It was not for me. Making it easier for people to buy shit? Not my thing. Enabling nerds to blow shit up -- or cure cancer? Better.
But forget the boring work talk. Let's have some boring running talk!
I was in a bit of a running rut before Bird Camp. My goal of earning monotonically decreasing 5k times in 2014 was out the window as of May, when I ran a hillier race and failed to better my April time. Maybe the hills weren't to blame; I was also just tired. My half marathon in July was a bit of a nightmare because I struggled to control my legs after mile 7 or so. I wondered if my MS was taking me downhill. I was scared.
To combat MS-related fear, I like to pour tons of energy into self care. It takes my mind off being scared, and it's probably good for me. So I started eating better. A lot better. We're talking no caffeine or dairy, very low sugar and gluten, and a lot more fruits and vegetables. I felt more in control of things, and maybe a little less tired. Then Bird Camp happened I started feeling even better. I started playing guitar again and I kept eating well. I decided there was still time to run a 5k PR in 2014 if I focused.
Then I did something that was way out of my comfort zone. I asked for help. Specifically, I asked someone I respect and trust to coach me. It was definitely a reach -- she is in high demand in all sorts of ways, and she typically works with much faster people. But she said yes! Hanging out on a limb never felt so right.
Remember this if nothing else - if you want something, ask for it! Go after it! Crazy awesome things can happen if you put yourself out there.
I've just finished my first week of training with New Coach. I'm wearing a heart rate monitor for the first time, and I'm working harder than ever. I did two tough workouts this week: a tempo interval run, and 12x400 on the track. They were brutal but I've learned so much already. On Tempo Tuesday I underfueled and ran out of steam during my last segment. New Coach schooled me on how much I should be eating before a workout (way more), so on Thursday I was calorically ready for the track and I nailed it. I've never done 12x400 before and certainly not at that pace. My confidence soared.
My goals - to break 24:00 in the 5k this year and 23:00 in 2015 - are crystal clear. I'm focused and I feel great. Even better, I'm more excited about running and training than I have been all year.
My legs are still not 100%; they still get kind of jellylike towards the end of a 6+ mile run. But I am taking really good care of myself and working hard. I trust myself, I trust my coach, and I trust that these symptoms, like so many I've had before, will go away eventually.
27 August 2014
How Birdcamp Changed My Life
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| Photo Credit: Thomas and Velo Photography |
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| At Smith Rock |
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| With Sally, Oiselle's Founder and CEO |
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| With Lesko, Camp Director and Sisterhero |
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| Photo Credit: Thomas and Velo Photography |
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| Photo Credit: Thomas and Velo Photography |
These two are going to be lifelong friends.
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| With my roommates @kimmiepearlman and @musingfootfalls |
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| With @laurenfleshman |
She lent me her guitar and made me promise to play for her the following night. I hadn't played in years and I guess I needed some encouragement. It wasn't my best performance, but it was the beginning of something. I've played my guitar every day since. Thank you Lauren - this was such a gift.
I felt almost invincible for five days, and I am carrying that feeling into my "normal" life back home.
On the Oiselle Team, we go fast. We take chances.
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| Kate Grace and her amazing stride |
22 July 2014
Time to refocus. Let's go!
Phew! The half marathon is over! I'm glad I did it but I'm not sure I want to do another long-ish race anytime soon. The first half of the race was great, but the second half got progressively worse until I could hardly pick up my feet. The stupidest MS symptom ever is foot drop. On the plus side, I burst into tears right before the finish which made for some really unforgettable race pictures. Joking. I will not be purchasing those. Or showing you an illegal watermarked preview.
I also ran a 5k last Saturday, and in case you're wondering, that's just 6 days after the half. I know, I am your hero. I went to the race alone and had a great time. For some reason, going solo to a 5k is my idea of paradise. Here's a photo of what might be my least offensive race face ever, but still embarrassing. This was right before the finish line, which was up a little surprise hill. This was not on the course map. What is wrong with people?
I'm back on the 5k train and really excited to stay on till the end of the line. Or the end of 2014 at least. My next race is at Oiselle Bird Camp in about three weeks. I wrote up a short training plan which includes copious hill repeats instead of speedwork. The track is my absolute favorite but I think I need hill work way more. And since my endurance has not been great lately, I'm planning to keep up with a longish run once a week, maybe 6-10 miles. However long I can run without encountering the dreaded foot drop.
I'm still on track to run 1000 miles this year; this will be the third year in a row that I've run at least 1000 miles. As of today I've done about 583.
MS has been a pain in my butt for a couple of months now. I've had more fatigue than usual, and this foot drop thing stinks. But with a little planning I am still able to do everything I want to do. Eat better and more regularly, rest more often - you know, the things everyone is supposed to do anyway. I've had this disease long enough to know that it's cyclical; that I can have a few months with a new symptom and then it vanishes. In the past I've had The Gremlin, which was a weird sensation in my calf that felt like I was dragging a little rodent around, and also that thing I can never remember the name of, where you feel a shock when you put your chin down close to your chest. But they went away, so hopefully this foot dragging shit will go away too!
Let me pause here and reassure you that although I might seem like a complete downer, part of coping with MS (for me) is having a wry sense of humor about it. As I write this I'm in a very upbeat mood. I just like to make fun of everything. And oh my god I'm turning into my husband.
I mentioned I'm trying to take better care of myself. Well, sometimes I cope with MS by eating copious pop tarts, but that's just the first line of defense. If I'm having new symptoms and they aren't going away quickly, I get all panicky and vow to never eat sugar again (or some similar drastic measure). Right now my drastic measures are:
I also ran a 5k last Saturday, and in case you're wondering, that's just 6 days after the half. I know, I am your hero. I went to the race alone and had a great time. For some reason, going solo to a 5k is my idea of paradise. Here's a photo of what might be my least offensive race face ever, but still embarrassing. This was right before the finish line, which was up a little surprise hill. This was not on the course map. What is wrong with people?
I'm back on the 5k train and really excited to stay on till the end of the line. Or the end of 2014 at least. My next race is at Oiselle Bird Camp in about three weeks. I wrote up a short training plan which includes copious hill repeats instead of speedwork. The track is my absolute favorite but I think I need hill work way more. And since my endurance has not been great lately, I'm planning to keep up with a longish run once a week, maybe 6-10 miles. However long I can run without encountering the dreaded foot drop.
I'm still on track to run 1000 miles this year; this will be the third year in a row that I've run at least 1000 miles. As of today I've done about 583.
MS has been a pain in my butt for a couple of months now. I've had more fatigue than usual, and this foot drop thing stinks. But with a little planning I am still able to do everything I want to do. Eat better and more regularly, rest more often - you know, the things everyone is supposed to do anyway. I've had this disease long enough to know that it's cyclical; that I can have a few months with a new symptom and then it vanishes. In the past I've had The Gremlin, which was a weird sensation in my calf that felt like I was dragging a little rodent around, and also that thing I can never remember the name of, where you feel a shock when you put your chin down close to your chest. But they went away, so hopefully this foot dragging shit will go away too!
Let me pause here and reassure you that although I might seem like a complete downer, part of coping with MS (for me) is having a wry sense of humor about it. As I write this I'm in a very upbeat mood. I just like to make fun of everything. And oh my god I'm turning into my husband.
I mentioned I'm trying to take better care of myself. Well, sometimes I cope with MS by eating copious pop tarts, but that's just the first line of defense. If I'm having new symptoms and they aren't going away quickly, I get all panicky and vow to never eat sugar again (or some similar drastic measure). Right now my drastic measures are:
- Cleaning up my diet by significantly reducing sugar, caffeine, dairy, and processed foods. This is good for everyone, so it seems like a no brainer for someone with an incurable degenerative brain disease. (Wry sense of humor people, keep up.)
- Practicing mindful breathing. Being all meditative and shit seems likely to calm the nervous system. Studies show it or something.
- Considering eating some fish (or at least fish oil). Omega-3s, blah blah blah.
- Getting back to core and strength exercises. For the last month or so I fell off the wagon (See also: half marathon training, laziness). I do 10-15 minutes of simple things like situps and pushups a few times a week - nothing crazy but it helps me feel more controlled when moving around. Sometimes I feel like I'm flinging myself around willy nilly - it works but I occasionally walk into something. Surprise!
- Doing balance exercises. Single leg deadlifts help my brain talk to my limbs about where they are. So much more efficient than writing letters.
So that's what's up in my world. And now I will let you in on a little secret. I really want to break 24 minutes in the 5k this year. Okay fine, I've told you this about seven times already, but maybe you weren't paying attention! Anyway, If I focus obsessively on that one thing and forget about half marathons and trail races and knitting sweaters and getting a PhD in Folklore, I just might be able to do it. I'm pumped! Let's go!
08 July 2014
3 Things I've Learned in the Past 3 Months
It's July already! I had planned to do six 5k races by this time, but you know what they say about plans. I did not run a 5k in June. I probably won't run one in July either. But! I've learned (at least) 3 valuable things in the past 3 months, and I'm going to tell you all about them cause duh, this is a blog. Here's the short list:
In April, our beloved Phoenix died. She was an amazing part of our family and I still cry every time I think about her. She was the sweetest, smartest, lowest maintenance dog that ever lived. Seriously, this girl had an iron tank for a bladder, and she would wait patiently for anything.
Bailey the Rabbit is most decidedly NOT the lowest maintenance dog ever. In fact she's in the running for highest. She is the perfect dog in almost every way. She's sweet, quiet, and she doesn't chew our shoes. She's a great running buddy and she loves her pack (us).
But, BUT, when we got her, she could not be left alone, at all. She tried to scratch her way out of our house that first night, with somewhat disastrous consequences. Since Sean and I both work full time, we put her in day care, but she kept getting expelled for her wily escape attempts. She enjoys jumping over 8-10' fences! Not kidding. Our lives became one big stressball as we tried to figure out how on earth we could keep this dog when we both work full time and she couldn't be alone.
I was about to give up on her (and hate myself forever) when we found Unleashed, an amazing outdoor dog heaven / boarding place. Laurie, the owner and best dog person in the world, was willing to let Bailey back inside 15 times a day after she jumped over the fence. To be fair, she only tried to run away once; the rest of the escapes were of the "I just want you to know I can leave anytime, but I don't really want to go anywhere" variety.
We also worked really hard to get her to be happy alone at home. Almost three months after we got her, we can now leave her in her crate for an hour. Stop for a minute and think about your life. Do you typically leave home for longer than an hour? Yeah, I thought so. We used to do that too! And I know we will again someday.
Despite the rough start, I am so happy we didn't give up on her. Bailey the Rabbit has become my best friend. She runs with me, she is always happy to see me no matter what a shitheel I am, and she cracks me up on a regular basis. Although it takes more patience than anything else in my life ever has, it's worth it.
Anyway, that was a long ass way of saying that I was pretty stressed out for a few months, and running definitely took a back seat to dog training, dog worrying, and dog maintenance. The stress also ignited some MS fatigue, so I've been a leetle bit tired. Sometimes this means falling asleep on the couch in the evening; other times (drama alert) it means I'm too tired to chew my food or raise my arms above my head. And of course, this impacts running too. More on that below.
Bonus: I also stumbled on an amazing diet during Dog Gate. If you want to lose 10 pounds really fast, adopt a high maintenance dog! I was so stressed out, I didn't eat for a month.
- Dogs are a lot of work.
- Focus on one thing at a time.
- It's okay to lower your expectations!
1. Dogs are a lot of work.
Yes, this is a running blog, but there's more to life than running. Occasionally. At any rate, my dogventures over the past three months have had quite an effect on my running.In April, our beloved Phoenix died. She was an amazing part of our family and I still cry every time I think about her. She was the sweetest, smartest, lowest maintenance dog that ever lived. Seriously, this girl had an iron tank for a bladder, and she would wait patiently for anything.
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| Phoenix (1999-2014) |
Three days later, after swearing I didn't want another dog for a year, we rebounded with Bailey the Foster Dog, who quickly became Bailey the New Dog.
Bailey the Rabbit is most decidedly NOT the lowest maintenance dog ever. In fact she's in the running for highest. She is the perfect dog in almost every way. She's sweet, quiet, and she doesn't chew our shoes. She's a great running buddy and she loves her pack (us).
But, BUT, when we got her, she could not be left alone, at all. She tried to scratch her way out of our house that first night, with somewhat disastrous consequences. Since Sean and I both work full time, we put her in day care, but she kept getting expelled for her wily escape attempts. She enjoys jumping over 8-10' fences! Not kidding. Our lives became one big stressball as we tried to figure out how on earth we could keep this dog when we both work full time and she couldn't be alone.
I was about to give up on her (and hate myself forever) when we found Unleashed, an amazing outdoor dog heaven / boarding place. Laurie, the owner and best dog person in the world, was willing to let Bailey back inside 15 times a day after she jumped over the fence. To be fair, she only tried to run away once; the rest of the escapes were of the "I just want you to know I can leave anytime, but I don't really want to go anywhere" variety.
We also worked really hard to get her to be happy alone at home. Almost three months after we got her, we can now leave her in her crate for an hour. Stop for a minute and think about your life. Do you typically leave home for longer than an hour? Yeah, I thought so. We used to do that too! And I know we will again someday.
Despite the rough start, I am so happy we didn't give up on her. Bailey the Rabbit has become my best friend. She runs with me, she is always happy to see me no matter what a shitheel I am, and she cracks me up on a regular basis. Although it takes more patience than anything else in my life ever has, it's worth it.
Anyway, that was a long ass way of saying that I was pretty stressed out for a few months, and running definitely took a back seat to dog training, dog worrying, and dog maintenance. The stress also ignited some MS fatigue, so I've been a leetle bit tired. Sometimes this means falling asleep on the couch in the evening; other times (drama alert) it means I'm too tired to chew my food or raise my arms above my head. And of course, this impacts running too. More on that below.
Bonus: I also stumbled on an amazing diet during Dog Gate. If you want to lose 10 pounds really fast, adopt a high maintenance dog! I was so stressed out, I didn't eat for a month.
2. Focus on one thing at a time.
At the beginning of this year, I set a goal to run one 5k each month, and to better my time each race. For some ridiculous reason, I decided I could train for a half marathon without affecting my 5k goal. To be fair, I planned this before Dog Gate, but it was still the work of a dumbass. I have MS, I work full time, I'm a mom, blah blah. If I want to do something well, like improve my 5k time, I should stick to training for 5ks. Jeez. In hindsight I am like psychic.
At the beginning, my half marathon training plan was full of tempo runs, speedwork, and a gradual build up of long run mileage. But as the weeks went by, it became clear to me that my brain had another training plan in mind. Instead of hill repeats, my brain said "NAP REPEATS!" I was really fucking tired. At first it was just a small adjustment here or there, but soon my tempo runs became fartleks, then easy runs. My long runs got shorter, and slower, then I started walking part of every mile.
I decided not to run a June 5k, because if I ran a hard effort on Saturday, the Sunday long run was impossible. It was quite a struggle (mentally) to let June go by without a race, but I had to admit that life was taking me somewhere else.
At the beginning, my half marathon training plan was full of tempo runs, speedwork, and a gradual build up of long run mileage. But as the weeks went by, it became clear to me that my brain had another training plan in mind. Instead of hill repeats, my brain said "NAP REPEATS!" I was really fucking tired. At first it was just a small adjustment here or there, but soon my tempo runs became fartleks, then easy runs. My long runs got shorter, and slower, then I started walking part of every mile.
I decided not to run a June 5k, because if I ran a hard effort on Saturday, the Sunday long run was impossible. It was quite a struggle (mentally) to let June go by without a race, but I had to admit that life was taking me somewhere else.
And guess what? The whole universe is still here. Which brings me to #3.
3. It's okay to lower your expectations!
While training for the half, I started losing control of my feet during the latter miles of my long runs. At about mile 8 of every long run, I looked like that marathon bonk video. (Go watch it, it's awesome, I'll wait.) After the fourth time I tripped and fell over a 1/8" crack in the sidewalk, I had to admit that shit has changed. I'm not the same runner I used to be, at least not right now. Annoying.
I know, I know, when you have MS, tripping over things after running 8 miles is not really a reason to feel sorry for yourself. Bear with me. I'm kind of a jerk.
A couple of weeks ago, during my longest run of this training cycle, while walking and crying and feeling generally sorry for myself, I realized that I am still in charge of my life, and "my life" includes "my expectations." Instead of beating myself up because I probably won't run 13.1 miles in under 2 hours, I can choose to be proud of myself for finishing the race. Finishing is an accomplishment too. Especially when you have an incurable degenerative brain disease. Am I right? And then I started feeling pretty brave, because I know I have a lot of reasons to give up, but I will not.
Maybe I'm going to recover from this bout of fatigue, or maybe this is "the new normal." One of the annoying things about MS is that you can't predict what life will look like tomorrow. You don't get to be in control of everything. But really, who does? Here's what I can control. I'm going to run this half marathon, and then I'm getting back on the 5k train. I can still do 12 5k races in 2014, I just might have to skip a month or two and double up later. Maybe I won't keep getting PRs every month, but I can still run. And it's okay to be happy with that. (If that seems extremely obvious, then congratulations, you are more well-adjusted than I am!)
I know no one wants to think about lowering their expectations, but sometimes it makes more sense to do what you can do and be proud of it. Especially when you have health issues. But even healthy people can and should change their expectations sometimes. It might make you healthier! I'm not saying you shouldn't strive for constant improvement and set big goals. But giving yourself a break sometimes is okay too.
02 March 2014
2014 Q1 Race Recap and Life Review
Oh, the pressure of writing a post when you hardly write posts anymore! Fuck it, here goes.
My running plan for 2014 is to run one 5k a month. Yesterday I ran my third one, so it seems like an appropriate moment to do some recapping. I have some other goals related to this one: first, run every 5k faster than the last, and second, break 24:00 this year.
Getting to 23:xx will be tough, but I think running each race faster than the last might be tougher. For example, April's 5k is much hillier than the first three, which were all around Green Lake and flat as a pancake. So I'll really have to Bring It if I want to break my time from yesterdays' effort (24:45).
My January race was a very small race called the Inclement Sprint. Before the race they took a group picture of all the runners - I think there were about 50 of us. There was some confusion about the course. The Race Director, a very sweet guy, announced before the race, "Since a 5k race is actually 3.2 miles, you'll have to run this short out and back section." I figured he misspoke and that the course was actually 3.1 as expected, but when I got to the finish, my Garmin read 3.2 on the dot. My time was 25:37, which I supposed was a good January sandbagger of sorts.
My February race was the Love 'Em or Leave 'Em 5k. This was a fun one because a whole slew of Oiselle ladies were there. The race was huge and legit, with tons of speedy runners. I came in dead last among our team at 25:01, but since I'd registered as a "couple" with our fastest lady Stacy who ran a zippy 17:41, I had the distinct pleasure of coming in first in our division of "couples with summed ages from 60-79."
For my third race of the year, I decided to run March Forth, which was oddly on March first, at the urging of my teammate Lauren. I'm so glad I did! It was a smallish race and very relaxed. There was no specific lineup procedure for the start, but for some reason I didn't mind dodging the strollers and dogs. It was also mostly on the gravel path on the outside of Green Lake, and I typically hate gravel, but this didn't bother me either. I ran the race with Lauren and Andrea, and we also saw Sarah and Jen afterwards. It's pretty amazing to be part of this group of gals on the Oiselle Team. I love seeing familiar faces at all the local races. It's starting to feel like I have sisters! As someone who has no actual sisters, I can't tell you how awesome this is.
For 2014 I had some non-running-related goals too. The big one? Be less negative. Maybe I should start with rephrasing this one: Be more positive. This is going very well, with a few annoying exceptions. Most of my indulgence in "nagativity" was directed to (or at least witnessed by) my husband, who has been sweetly cajoling me for years to look on the bright side. Apparently this is my year, because despite the fact that life isn't that much different than it was last year, I'm loving it all. Initially I used the "fake it till you make it" strategy and just acted more positive than I actually felt, and guess what? That shit works.
I also wanted to spend less time on the internet and more time with paper. That's going well too. I've been doing a fair bit of writing offline; a lot in January, less in February, so I need to pick it back up. As for less internet, I'm focusing mostly on Instagram these days, and catching up on Twitter and blogs only when I'm on the toilet. That's a great rule, you should try it. Although it may increase your time spent in the bathroom.
I even reactivated my Facebook account recently for work, because I needed to keep up with my company's FB posts. It was fun for five minutes to see what people were up to, but I mostly I fucking hate FB. Although now that it's become a place for old people to hang out, it seems a little cooler to me. Old people, Unite! I am one of you now!
So what else is going on in my life? In late January, I visited some old friends who were in San Diego for a work trip, and it was nice to take a solo trip in a new place. I even got to run with my favorite running partner Lynne, who now lives 3000 miles away in snow-encrusted New England. We're cooking up a plan to run a half marathon on the same day this summer, and virtually train together. In February my mom came for a visit during Maple's winter break. We had a great time eating and museuming and downtowning. She also helped us with some much needed furniture shopping. I'm grateful to her for coming out for an extended stay, and also to my dad for holding down the fort (and walking the crazy dog seven times a day) while she was gone.
In two weeks, Sean is running the Chuckanut 50k in Fairhaven, WA. This was one of the first ultras I knew about, and I'm beyond excited to spectate this race and to cheer for Sean. He took some time off after being injured during last year's Zion 100, fully embracing his rehab and doing a shitload of cross-training. Even though he hasn't had a lot of time on his feet this winter because they were all kinds of broken last fall, he has a better mental game for racing than anyone I know. Dude is a survivor, with almost 10 years clean and sober, and that mental toughness gets him through anything he puts his mind to. I believe he will finish this race smart and healthy and be ready to run longer ultras later this year.
Maple is enjoying school, reading voraciously, and is all about her Rainbow Loom. We have so many tiny rubber bands around the house, and although this used to drive me insane, now I smile when I see those errant little rubber bands because I know she is focused on her craft. I love to see her focused, as she has a bit of an attention deficit. Not enough to be disorderly, just enough to worry me.
On February 2, I "celebrated" ten years with multiple sclerosis. Maybe it's weird to celebrate such a wrenching diagnosis, but I can definitely celebrate the fact that I'm still living life on my terms. Here's to another ten years of that!
My running plan for 2014 is to run one 5k a month. Yesterday I ran my third one, so it seems like an appropriate moment to do some recapping. I have some other goals related to this one: first, run every 5k faster than the last, and second, break 24:00 this year.
Getting to 23:xx will be tough, but I think running each race faster than the last might be tougher. For example, April's 5k is much hillier than the first three, which were all around Green Lake and flat as a pancake. So I'll really have to Bring It if I want to break my time from yesterdays' effort (24:45).
My January race was a very small race called the Inclement Sprint. Before the race they took a group picture of all the runners - I think there were about 50 of us. There was some confusion about the course. The Race Director, a very sweet guy, announced before the race, "Since a 5k race is actually 3.2 miles, you'll have to run this short out and back section." I figured he misspoke and that the course was actually 3.1 as expected, but when I got to the finish, my Garmin read 3.2 on the dot. My time was 25:37, which I supposed was a good January sandbagger of sorts.
My February race was the Love 'Em or Leave 'Em 5k. This was a fun one because a whole slew of Oiselle ladies were there. The race was huge and legit, with tons of speedy runners. I came in dead last among our team at 25:01, but since I'd registered as a "couple" with our fastest lady Stacy who ran a zippy 17:41, I had the distinct pleasure of coming in first in our division of "couples with summed ages from 60-79."
For my third race of the year, I decided to run March Forth, which was oddly on March first, at the urging of my teammate Lauren. I'm so glad I did! It was a smallish race and very relaxed. There was no specific lineup procedure for the start, but for some reason I didn't mind dodging the strollers and dogs. It was also mostly on the gravel path on the outside of Green Lake, and I typically hate gravel, but this didn't bother me either. I ran the race with Lauren and Andrea, and we also saw Sarah and Jen afterwards. It's pretty amazing to be part of this group of gals on the Oiselle Team. I love seeing familiar faces at all the local races. It's starting to feel like I have sisters! As someone who has no actual sisters, I can't tell you how awesome this is.
For 2014 I had some non-running-related goals too. The big one? Be less negative. Maybe I should start with rephrasing this one: Be more positive. This is going very well, with a few annoying exceptions. Most of my indulgence in "nagativity" was directed to (or at least witnessed by) my husband, who has been sweetly cajoling me for years to look on the bright side. Apparently this is my year, because despite the fact that life isn't that much different than it was last year, I'm loving it all. Initially I used the "fake it till you make it" strategy and just acted more positive than I actually felt, and guess what? That shit works.
I also wanted to spend less time on the internet and more time with paper. That's going well too. I've been doing a fair bit of writing offline; a lot in January, less in February, so I need to pick it back up. As for less internet, I'm focusing mostly on Instagram these days, and catching up on Twitter and blogs only when I'm on the toilet. That's a great rule, you should try it. Although it may increase your time spent in the bathroom.
I even reactivated my Facebook account recently for work, because I needed to keep up with my company's FB posts. It was fun for five minutes to see what people were up to, but I mostly I fucking hate FB. Although now that it's become a place for old people to hang out, it seems a little cooler to me. Old people, Unite! I am one of you now!
In two weeks, Sean is running the Chuckanut 50k in Fairhaven, WA. This was one of the first ultras I knew about, and I'm beyond excited to spectate this race and to cheer for Sean. He took some time off after being injured during last year's Zion 100, fully embracing his rehab and doing a shitload of cross-training. Even though he hasn't had a lot of time on his feet this winter because they were all kinds of broken last fall, he has a better mental game for racing than anyone I know. Dude is a survivor, with almost 10 years clean and sober, and that mental toughness gets him through anything he puts his mind to. I believe he will finish this race smart and healthy and be ready to run longer ultras later this year.
Maple is enjoying school, reading voraciously, and is all about her Rainbow Loom. We have so many tiny rubber bands around the house, and although this used to drive me insane, now I smile when I see those errant little rubber bands because I know she is focused on her craft. I love to see her focused, as she has a bit of an attention deficit. Not enough to be disorderly, just enough to worry me.
On February 2, I "celebrated" ten years with multiple sclerosis. Maybe it's weird to celebrate such a wrenching diagnosis, but I can definitely celebrate the fact that I'm still living life on my terms. Here's to another ten years of that!
31 December 2013
I forgot to say thank you
In my last post I talked about my need to be less "internety" in 2014. What I forgot to do is to thank you, my dear readers, for your support over the last two years of this sensational blog-stravanganza. Ask anyone, I'm wicked self-centered.
Here are some of my favorite comments from you guys. Imagine the theme from Chariots of Fire playing in the background...
To paraphrase AmyC: Here's to another fantastic year of running, to all of you! And me too. Cheers.
Here are some of my favorite comments from you guys. Imagine the theme from Chariots of Fire playing in the background...
Hi Portia,You are an inspiration- not for what you tough out, but for when you advocate for yourself against your own (and projected) expectations... does that make sense? What I'm trying to say is- first world problems aside- thanks for modeling true, authentic listening to your body and your own needs. Running will be there- always! How you approach it is a healthy representation that we can all take a page from. Namaste (Stephanie)
I think I'm supposed to counsel you against negative self-talk, but instead I just laughed at "I'm not an inspiration. I'm a fucking moron." You should wear that shirt to your next race/fun run. (Kat)
"I'm out of this disease. Seriously" (Sean)
That is a huge PR, way to go. And I'm so impressed by how you fought for it through those hills. I love your self talk, too! (Beth)
Ah this post is great! We all deal with weird stomach issues on our long runs so why not talk about it more? I'm all for it! Also, I totally got my period the morning of the Providence marathon last year. I ran with a tampon taped to the back of my bib! (Alice)
I like that "I don't think about a day when I won't be able to run. I just run." I get that mindset and I think that is the most important concept that we runners need to embrace - "just run". Races are great now and then, but run for you and to just run. :) (Christina)
Hey Portia! Finally got the chance to check out your running blog. Amazing--You guys are truly inspiring. I tried running again (for the first time in years) after seeing you at Aunt Janet's 90th party. But I quickly gave up and resumed my couch-surfing and potato-chip-eating lifestyle. See you at Thanksgiving? xo your cousin Sarah
Repeat after me: you are not a total slacker piece of shit! You just ran a freakin' marathon and you're STILL RUNNING! That's 100-times more than the lazy ass on the couch right now, and more than 90% of America. (Andi)
Congratulations!!! I love that you want to go out and hope some more. Side note: I had a home birth too, but I thought running a marathon was a million times easier. (Pam)
I think you are totally brave for facing and conquering your fear. You're doing great! Here's to another fantastic week of running! (AmyC)
To paraphrase AmyC: Here's to another fantastic year of running, to all of you! And me too. Cheers.
19 December 2013
Writing on the internet about disliking the internet
I don't know when it happened, but I got burned out with all things internet. I don't want to read blogs and I don't want to write mine. The whole digital world feels stale. It's been weeks since I looked at Twitter on a daily basis, and keeping up with Feedly feels like a bad assignment.
Ever since I was a kid, I've engaged with people on the computer more often and more thoroughly than I have with real people. Maybe I like computerized people better. They are less messy and they don't have bad breath.
When I was a pre-teen in 1987, I wooed my first boyfriend via late night modem chats. We'd write live love letters one green character at a time. While other kids were playing soccer and watching too much tv, I was creating a virtual persona on Compuserv named Heather. I made "friends" with geeky guys who sent me mix tapes and stuffed animals via snail mail. I secretly felt guilty about using a fake name and pretending to be five years older than I was. Fortunately nothing weird happened. Unless you count having more virtual friends than real ones weird.
In college in the mid-90s, I chatted via Unix "talk" with my real life boyfriend who sat across the table from me in the lab. We should have spent more time actually speaking to each other. Or maybe that relationship was better in the virtual world than the real one.
In 1999 I started a weblog called portiastar.com. I wrote self indulgent crap, campaigned for more readers by posting comments everywhere, and completely ignored my real life and the real people in it.
When social media became a thing, I eschewed it at first. MySpace and Facebook seemed lame, but then I caved to the peer pressure of LinkedIn and the pithy romance of Twitter. I tried tumblr and Dailymile and Goodreads and lots of others I'm forgetting about.
Recently I started wondering what would happen if I took all that time I spend on this internet crap and spent it on something else, something more fulfilling. Something creative that added up to something I was proud of. I'm not particularly proud of this blog. I am not sure anyone does or should care about my weekly mileage or my MS symptoms. I set out to inspire people, and hopefully I've done a bit of that, but at this point I'm not feeling inspirational. Don't get me wrong, life is good. I just need to change how I'm living it a little bit.
In 2014, I'm going to spend my time deliberately and focus on my real life. I'll stop blogging, maybe altogether or maybe I'll only write when I have something to say, which will probably be rare. I'll record my running in a paper notebook instead of on Dailymile. I'll probably stop using Twitter and Feedly, or at least change the way I engage with them - I still haven't figured that out yet. I'll read more and get back to writing in my paper journal and maybe I'll even write some poetry. You get the idea.
Maybe I'll keep up with this experiment all year, or maybe I'll miss the internet in a month or two and come crawling back. Regardless, I think you'll get on without me. I won't actually crawl under a rock. I'll still use email, but I'll use it to supplement my real interactions with actual people. You know, the messy ones with bad breath. Just like me.
I'll turn this typepad blog off soon, but I've archived everything at my old blogspot space: runportiarun.blogspot.com. If I show up again, it'll be there.
See you on the other side.
PS. It's not just me. Other people are saying the blog is dead.
06 December 2013
Holiday Giving Guide
Tis the season for holiday gift lists. It's fun to see what stuff people like (especially other running bloggers), but I am really conflicted about all the commercialism surrounding the holidays. Sure, I buy a few things for my family, but it's less and less every year. I'm grateful that we have enough, and I'd much rather we give to people who don't than add to our own stash. So instead of a gift list, here is my Holiday Giving Guide.
One of my favorite things about giving is that my daughter is always involved. What a great way to nuture your child's sense of empathy, right? When I was a kid, I remember going door-to-door with my mom to raise money for the American Cancer Society. I remember going into people's living rooms while they wrote checks, and hearing our neighbors stories about how cancer had affected their lives. That experience made my world bigger.
Are you planning to give to people you don't know this holiday season? Tell me about it!
Adopt-a-Family
Our local YWCA does this and I'm participating this year through work. When you adopt a family, you get a list of things that family needs or wants for the holiday season, and you get to go shopping and buy the stuff on the list and then wrap it up. We bought a winter coat for a 3-year-old girl. This is a great activity to with others, as you can divvy up the list, shop together, and then have a wrapping party!Donate to your local food bank
One in six Americans faces hunger. No matter where you live, your local food bank needs donations. We like the Rainier Valley Food Bank because it's in our neighborhood. They often have food drives right outside of the grocery store, so you can just grab some extra stuff while you're shopping and donate it right there. It couldn't be easier. Find your local food bank here.Adopt a pet
We've all seen those commercials right, where a guy gets his lady a puppy for Christmas? Why not adopt a homeless animal this holiday season? As I wrote this, my skittish recently-adopted kitty Marta was sitting next to me, and it reminded me that animals need help too. Check out petfinder.com to find a homeless pet in your area. Senior pets are especially needy, and cute.Volunteer on Christmas Day
When I was a kid, our family friends always volunteered together on Christmas, delivering Meals on Wheels. I thought that was the coolest thing ever. Now that I have a family of my own, I finally decided to do this. I looked on volunteermatch.org and entered my location, searched for "Christmas Day," and found a local housing community that's requesting warm dishes for their Christmas dinner. We'll make a dish for them and deliver it on Christmas. This couldn't be easier since we'll be cooking anyway, and it will be fun to deliver the dish as a family. Then we can go smell the Sound afterwards -- one of my favorite activities.Give money
Maybe you already have a favorite charity, but if not, you can use the Charity Navigator to find one. You can search for a charity in your area, or for charities which benefit people or causes that are important to you. Here are some charities that I will be donating to in the next year:- Accelerated Cure for MS
- Adopt a Native Elder
- Minnesota Indian Women's Resource Center
- Rainier Scholars
One of my favorite things about giving is that my daughter is always involved. What a great way to nuture your child's sense of empathy, right? When I was a kid, I remember going door-to-door with my mom to raise money for the American Cancer Society. I remember going into people's living rooms while they wrote checks, and hearing our neighbors stories about how cancer had affected their lives. That experience made my world bigger.
Are you planning to give to people you don't know this holiday season? Tell me about it!
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