15 February 2016

Getting ready for Antelope Canyon

The Antelope Canyon Half Marathon is this Saturday. I've done about 200 miles of training. I am ready. I plan to run about a third of the race and walk the rest, in intervals.

After this race, I'm retiring from racing. This isn't to say I won't run ever again, but I probably won't race again. Not unless something changes.

I'm starting a new drug soon, in addition to the maintenance dose of the disease modifying drug I'm on. (Disease modifying drugs are preventative; they don't improve anything, but hopefully they keep the disease from getting worse.) The new drug helps some people with gait symptoms, so my walking and running may improve. But there's no way to know if you will benefit from the drug until you try it.

I've had so much fun running, and I've learned so much about myself because of running. At first I learned that I was capable of more than I thought. I ran two marathons and a bunch of shorter races. I learned that if I trained hard, I would get faster. I learned that not taking care of your body means you'll probably get injured. There is so much running has taught me, I'd be a fool to think I could write it all down.

In the last two years, the lessons have been tougher. I've learned that sometimes, no matter how hard you work or how much you want something, you might not get it. I won't say it's okay, because it's not okay. It sucks. But I'm making peace with it, and I think I'm a better person for having been through this.

I don't regret anything. Sometimes as a runner I was a little obsessive about time and miles. But later, when I couldn't go fast or far anymore, I was so glad that I'd indulged my athletic dreams and compulsions when I had the chance.

You never know how long you have to do something you want to do. Do it now.

I'll still run when I can, because I love the feeling of running. And when I can't, I'll do other things, like reading, knitting, playing music, and learning languages - stuff I already do anyway. I'll hang out with Maple more and bake cookies. I'll come cheer for you at your races.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for coming and reading my blog, and supporting my running journey. Your many kind words have made the journey sweeter.

You can find me on twitter at @seattleportia and on Instagram at @portia. See you around!

PS: If this new drug works, I reserve the right to change my mind about this whole retirement thing. ;)

31 December 2015

No really, this time, I swear.

All this year I have repeated myself, each time thinking I was saying something new. I wrote the same blog post multiple times without realizing it until after I hit “publish.” I mourned my body's changes over and over again. I said I needed to accept it, but I couldn't. Then I said it again, surprising myself with the slow realization that I'd said it before.

Yes, I am about to do it again.

In broad strokes, here is the story of my 2015. I tried fighting MS. I tried an extreme diet that might have helped but I could not live with it. I tried mind over matter; believing that I didn’t have MS or that I could will it away. I tried meditating; I tried supplements, I tried medication. My MS got worse. Maybe I failed, or maybe it didn’t matter what I did because MS is a medical disease and not a spiritual condition, a choice, or an imaginary friend.

So I gave up, which is to say I accepted everything. This does not mean I lie in bed all day and eat ice cream. It means I am changing the story I tell myself. It means doing what I can, when I can. It means moving beyond the repetitive cycle of mourning and denying. It means celebrating unconventional victories.

One of my goals for 2015 was to run 10 miles without encountering the MS symptoms that affect my legs. It’s now December 31st and I can only run 3 miles if I don't take walking breaks. But I did figure out how to cover 8 miles; I run three-quarters of each mile and walk the rest, then repeat. I also learned how to change my stride in the later miles of a run so that I don’t trip and fall. These are victories, but only if I accept them as such.

I’m looking forward to 2016 because the practice of accepting has given me confidence. I’m not as scared as I was. I am not finished with the work of accepting, because things will continue to change, but now I know I can do it. Next year will not be about learning to cope with life; it will be about living.

07 December 2015

Antelope Canyon Training, Week 1

I don’t know what I’m doing. Mechanically, I know what I’m doing. I am running, sort of. I am on a training run and I am training for a half marathon. The race is in two months. I won’t be able to run all of it, but I hope I can run at least half of it.

I don’t want to let my thinking dictate or influence my reality. I think that’s possible, like “You are what you eat,” only “You are what you think.” I should say: I may not be able to run the whole thing. My thoughts push and pull between acceptance and inevitability, realism and hope. When you have a disease that people say is incurable, you have these conversations with yourself.

This is what I think during the last mile of every run: I really don’t want to fall. I feel like I am going to fall. I focus on picking up my feet.

Here’s how it is when I run. For the first mile or two, everything feels normal. A flash of hope that this run will be like running used to be, despite the widely accepted belief about my condition: that things only get worse, never better. But pretty soon, my legs get tired and uncoordinated. My feet slap down on the ground, gently at first, then with more gravity. Below the waist, things feel increasingly out of my control. My legs are not numb, but they are not my legs. Soon my toes hit the ground first instead of my heels. I start walking and running in intervals. I walk because I might trip if I keep running. I don’t like to fall. It feels like failing.

When I’m done with my run, I sit for a few minutes and when I get up, I walk like a toddler who is just getting used to being vertical. And then, in a few more minutes, my legs are mine again.

This week was my first week of training for the half marathon. I ran four times; three 3-mile runs (I ran all of these), and one 5-mile run during which I walked about three-quarters of a mile. I did the 3-milers on subsequent days; the first one was great, the second one was a little harder, and the third run on the third day was very slow but I managed to run the whole time. On the 5-miler, I walked a little bit at miles 2 and 3, then about half a mile up a hill. (Once I get tired I don’t try to run uphill because it rapidly increases how tired I get and therefore how far I can go.) It was a good week of training, even if it doesn’t look like the training I used to do.

I think I’m proud that I’m still running, but sometimes I feel foolish. I wonder if running is not meant for me anymore and if I should accept that more gracefully, but I value perseverance and positivity too. I’m not ready to stop running, but it’s difficult to take myself seriously as a runner now. Maybe this is what every aging runner encounters when she slows down. Maybe I shouldn’t give it so much power. I still want to run, so I do. That should be all that matters.