I should be walking the dog, doing my core exercises, running, anything but lying in bed at Noon. I think I'm having a mini MS relapse. It could be a lot worse. My only symptom is that my eyeballs brain vision is are not functioning normally. And I'm extremely cold, but I think that's because I have the windows open.
This all started on Tuesday night in the Las Vegas airport. Everything around me started moving ever so slightly, but it was not really moving. When I looked up at the high airport ceiling, things moved even more, but they didn't. I went into panic mode. Last time I was dizzy like this, I ended up violently ill and then in the hospital for a week. I was about to get on a plane. It was grim. Sean had just run 100 miles with a broken foot. I was supposed to be taking care of him.
I went for a walk around Terminal E. I had a firm talk with my immune system that went like this, "Before you go attacking cells that you think are not-us, take a step back. Take a big-cell-breath and look again. Is it really an enemy invader? Or is it us? Are you confused? It's okay, I get confused too. Just make sure you are actually attacking invaders, not our own cells." Then I went to the bathroom and had some intestinal distress, and chalked the dizziness up to maybe I just ate something that didn't agree with me.
By the time I sat down on the plane with the giant airsick bag that the nice flight attendant had given me just-in-case, I was feeling marginally better. The talk worked! My immune system was calming down, or my stomach was better. The dizzies were almost gone. I put in earplugs and slept most of the flight. We got home Wednesday morning. I slept most of the day, and on Thursday I went back to work. I still felt weird that morning, but by that afternoon I felt pretty normal. I did my tempo run on Friday and it was a slogfest but I still hit my target paces.
Now it seems like once or twice a day I get a bit eyeball floaty, but I'm mostly better. This morning I meant to get up and do my core work and go running, but instead I made muffins, got floaty, and had to have another strongly-worded talk with my immune system. I am probably crazy but I think that shit works. MS is a disease state where your own immune system attacks parts of your own brain. For me, MS is a metaphor for not knowing myself, ignoring myself, and being a bitch to myself. See what I mean? My tough talks now have a hint of compassion.
The dog really has to pee. Time to see what walking is like. Hopefully I'll be running within a few hours. You might think I should lay low until this thing passes for good, but I think there's some benefit to maintaining a normal routine during a relapse, as much as possible. If it were a regularsized relapse, I'd be more tempted to do nothing, but I feel normal a lot of the time, so as long as that's the case, I'll keep doing normal things.
I read about that often, just how much our thoughts and mental state can control so much of our well-being. Even on runs, if I all of a sudden have anxiety or panic, it affects me physiologically. I had a run a couple weeks ago and was feeling fine and then came into a secluded area and two young men were milling about. I immediately got nervous about my safety and had some anxiety and sure enough, my run then became hard. I could tell how my body reacted to my emotions, thoughts - all of it. I totally get what you are saying about how the "mental talk" does affect us. I hope you get through this current state soon and back to feeling better - definitely keep up that positive talk!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you may be having a relapse, but I do love the talks you have had with yourself. I too believe there must be some power in that. Hoping this is a short-lived relapse and you are back to feeling "normal" (whatever that is, right?!) soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks Christina and Beth! I'm feeling better the last few days, but I am forcing myself to take a day or two off running just to be on the safe side. I always get to this point when having MS stuff where I wonder if it is smarter to rest; if that will shorten the duration of the relapse. It probably doesn't matter either way, but it's nicer (psychologically) to have a day off than to have a run where you feel exhausted (I had one of those yesterday).
ReplyDeleteChristina - your comment makes me wonder if I was just tired yesterday because I was thinking too much about being tired! :)
Beth - The older I get, the more I talk to myself. I'm trying to make up for all those years when I completely ignored myself, or worse!
Ok, I don't know a thing about MS, and this may be totally useless, but the other day I heard a woman talk about her MS and how she changed her diet to strictly Paleo which eased all of her symptoms for the last 4 years. The thought behind it was that eliminating certain foods that irritate the intestines reduces "leaky gut syndrome" which I guess some believe may be behind some auto immune disorders. I must admit, I did see this woman on Dr. Oz (cringe) but I have read articles by Loren Cordain, who was also being interviewed, and have been really intrigued by his theories and work. I'm so so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am sending you healthy, heealing wishes and *hugs*!!!
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