My legs felt good this week. I think sticking to the Ravennas is the right thing for now; every time I try to change my footwear, I am sorry. My mid-week "semi-long" pace runs started to taper this week, and I had an amazing 5-miler at 8:34 pace. My long run this week was slower (10:45) than my recent long runs. I have to trust that the magic of the taper will allow me to run 26.2 miles faster than I can run 19 right now.
I go into every long run with some fear, which makes sense because I've never had a lot of trust in my body. I've always been scared of seeing what my limits are. When I was younger, I remember attempting new tricks in gymnastics, or new dives when I was on the diving team. If it was too scary, I'd just refuse to do them, like a horse who refuses a jump and sends the rider flying. I put myself out there and seemed to be trying, but in my heart I knew I was refusing. It applied to running too. I ran intermittently in high school and college, but I was always a slow runner. When it got too tough, I slowed down.
And now, because of my MS, I have an even better excuse. About six years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with a migraine (I've never had one before or since). I spent the next six hours throwing up, and I completely lost my equilibrium. It felt like I was in a fun house, falling into the walls and crashing into things, with the whole world spinning uncontrollably. After a week in the hospital and countless pharmaceuticals, I got better, but I haven't gotten over it. I'm scared my body will betray me again, especially if I push it too hard. I spend a lot of time worrying about losing some critical bodily function, like walking or controlling my bladder. I anticipate the next breakdown. But my husband reminds me that it's not happening now, and he's right I need to focus on what's happening in this moment and not worry about what might be.
My tempo/pace runs, speedwork, long runs, they are all tinged with fear. Training for this marathon has helped; I'm doing distances that I never thought I'd do, and pushing myself in ways I haven't before. But I think there's more...
Pace range for this week: 8:34 to 10:45
Temperature range: 27 - 43 degrees
Details for Week 13 (Mar 26 - Apr 1):
Tuesday: 5 miles
Wednesday: 5 miles (8:34 pace!)
Thursday: 5 miles
Saturday: 19 miles
Sunday: 1 mile with Maple